What if we could risk everything we had (COWT11, week 6, m6)

Prompt: “004. Protagonista è la reincarnazione di altro personaggio vissuto nel passato.”
Missione: M6 (week 6)
Parole: 10175
Rating: teen
Warnings: au, very light petting, shonen-ai

Xingqiu tried. Maybe not since the beginning but, to his defence, he thinks that everyone would be at least surprised (freaked out) if they suddenly met someone they only saw in their dreams until that day and if said person was the most important one.

The first time he dreamt about his past life, Xingqiu was eleven years old and the only thought he had was that it was an incredibly vivid dream and an awesome one. Being the book lover he had always been, to dream about such a detailed world full of adventures, enemies and heroes was all he could have asked for. And since then, every time he dreamt about that world he was able to discover something new— a flower, people he hadn’t met yet, regions he still had to visit. Little by little, his alter ego became conscious of names (Mondstadt, Liyue) and people were not only someone but comrades, friends even. It took him two years to start wondering if maybe all of that was something he had read or seen somewhere because it was starting to feel too real. But he was a child, even if a very smart one.

At thirteen years old something would have made him scream if the education he had had until then hadn’t taught him otherwise. He was walking in the corridor of his old school and a very familiar (too familiar) face showed from one of the other classrooms. He had seen the girl’s features so many times in those dreams and they had had so many adventures that he almost felt like calling her name just to see if it was really her. That was when he heard someone beat him at it with a “Xiangling!” and he had the confirmation he needed: she was, indeed, the same person from his dreams— and it was awful because he felt like she was one of his dearest friends already, but to her he was nothing more than a kid from the other class. 

Maybe I dreamt of her because I saw her somewhere else, in elementary school, he told himself. So he decided to just become her friend in the real world too. Yet, he kept having the same dreams. 

By his fifteenth birthday, Xingqiu had already realised that it wasn’t about dreams and he had read too many books about philosophical theories on the afterlife and reincarnation to not have at least doubts. 

It was hard to accept, but it was not like he was completely against esoteric concepts with his grandmother being quite curious about the topic and a living encyclopedia when it came to legends, and his grandfather being the sort of person who kept telling him how important it was to believe what he could see but also to not dismiss something only because he could not understand it right away. So Xingqiu believe his dreams, the books and the people he kept meting year after year— Xiangling, who bonded with him after giving him a terrible snack to taste-test; Xinyan that he met during a school festival last year because she was basically impossible to ignore while she was performing. He even saw, by chance, two girls that did not attend his school but were in his dreams nonetheless. He talked to them, made friends with them when possible and hoped everything would become clearer with time. Yet why does anyone but him seem to remember?

At some point, though, Xingqiu asked to be sent to a school far from home. Because it became painfully obvious that a lot of people from his dreams were still missing— it was hard because his father didn’t look convinced at all, at first, but with his older brother being the one to inherit the family business, Xingqiu managed to get his permission before the enrollment time ended. There was no guarantee of meeting those he still hadn’t met and, of course, there was a chance of this being the worst possible choice. Maybe he should have stayed there and waited. Perhaps, he should have taken into consideration that if both Xinyan and Xiangling were quite close to him geographically speaking, then it could be the same with the boy from his dreams, the friend called Chongyun. But they never crossed paths in five years of dreams. Xingqiu had to gamble on the tiny chance he had.

*

Sunlight feels so warm against his body, now that he has the time to relax and the days are getting longer. A light breeze blows now and then and makes it so it’s not too hot either and the scent of flowers fills the air as if to suggest that spring has finally come. The gardens around the dormitories are familiar to him by now, after almost two years of attending this school: two large buildings are one in front of the other, one for the boys’ rooms and one for the girls’. No more than ten minutes walking is the time students need to reach the school every day and to go back to the dormitories, which makes it easy for every student to enjoy the extracurricular activities they chose after the first week of their first year. The classes are divided into two groups: the first one is for normal subjects and all the students have to attend in order to have enough credits by the end of the year, with no failing marks; the second group is facultative and every single student can choose an area of expertise that can help them to achieve a solid knowledge that will be useful when the times come for them to choose a major after graduating. 

Xingqiu didn’t even have to think when it was time to choose his facultative classes, because literature was the obvious choice. Most of the people he knew when school started has more or less an idea of what they wanted to study— nobody was surprised to know that Xiangling was going to choose classes that would help her to become a great chef in the future as she wanted since she was ten. Nor someone thought Xinyan would stray far from a music career or whatever could help her to improve in that field, even if she struggled a bit with all the concepts when she had enough talent to play by ear most of the times. 

Now he can’t really hide a smile when he thinks about the people he found in his class that barely knew who he was, while he had no doubts about which choices they would make because he had had countless meetings and chats in his dreams. At some point he wondered if there could be something different but, with time, he decided to not think about it too much. There were occasions when he almost gave it away, this big secret of memories from a past life, because words and conversations and situations were so similar that he felt like being in a dream once again. But, in the end, he managed. So now, after two years (one and eight months to be exact), there is nothing that can really disrupt his peace.

Especially when he finally managed to find Chongyun, of all the people he wanted to meet no matter what, and can enjoy the other’s company to his heart’s content.

Xingqiu feels a cold, slightly calloused hand brush against his forehead to move his hair out of the way. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know that it’s Chongyun, that he probably thinks he’s still sleeping and that he would feel so embarrassed if Xingqiu had to wake up now. And that is precisely why he smiles, his eyes still closed, and tells him “Your hand is cold, you know?” with no real intention of scolding him, but with a teasing voice that reflects the look he offer to the other one when he finally decides to look at him. Light blue eyes are the first thing he sees and he takes his time to admire them— it’s not easy when the owner of those eyes is blushing so much that the cuteness makes it hard to ignore it.

“...I thought you were sleeping.” “I was.” “...Oh.” Chongyun says, frowning a bit. Xingqiu can almost hear his thoughts and feel the sense of guilt for waking him up with that single touch. “But I was waking up,” he tells him “and I have to finish this book for my essay.” he adds, not that this is a lie. Only, there is no such rush to do it now. Yet, if it can ease the expression on Chongyun’s face, he doesn’t really mind exaggerating this a little bit.

The other seems to relax at his words, so Xingqiu simply takes the book he left open on his stomach during is short nap and starts reading again from where he left off and after adjusting his head on Chongyun’s lap. He feels the other’s gaze on him but pretends not to, golden eyes on the pages. Passing time with Chongyun like this is always an incredibly quiet experience: in the beginning, Xingqiu was not sure how to behave since the Chongyun in his dreams was not a chatterbox but felt a bit friendlier. Then, he understood that no matter how well he knew the other boy, for Chongyun he was nothing more than a stranger he didn’t know how to properly approach. Especially considering their different background— not that Xingqiu has never emphasized his origins anyway. But as much as people know that Barbara is from a wealthy family, he supposes that the same goes for him. Nothing they can do about it. 

It took time, but Xingqiu is quite content with what they have, for now. 

“You should pet my head more.” he suggests as if it’s nothing. He can feel Chongyun freeze on the spot by the way his legs stiffen under Xingqiu’s head. “Won’t you… fall asleep again if I do?” “Probably. But I like it.”

Part of him tells him because he knows Chongyun will feel very shy about it, as much as he does whenever people compliment him or when Xingqiu wants a bit more of skinship between them. The other part is filled with selfishness Xingqiu sometimes feels overwhelmed by. Yet, his mind can’t imagine himself doing anything that Chongyun would really dislike. He’s okay with being the best of friends if that is what Chongyun wants them to be.

“Hm.” is the only answer he gets from him, but the shade of red on the tip of Chongyun’s ears is more than enough for him. Xingqiu moves slowly, turning on a side in order to give his back to the male dormitory and rubs his face against Chongyun’s stomach to catch his attention. It’s barely audible, but he hears a small snort seconds before Chongyun’s hand is petting him again.

“You look like a cat, sometimes.” he says. Xingqiu smiles, unseen.

*

It might seem a cliché, but their first meeting was in this library during a day Xingqiu was on duty like he is today. School had started for three weeks and he still hadn’t met a lot of people he used to saw in his dreams while some others popped up before he could even try to find them. Like Albedo: Xingqiu had basically stepped on him, almost, while he was looking for a spot to comfortably read in the gardens and he ended up stepping on some of Albedo’s tools. It took him an instant to apologise and a few seconds to realise who he was talking to— he felt ecstatic, to be able to talk to someone he admired so much in his previous life. Albedo didn’t show any sign of recognising him and he didn’t blame him at all, the calm behaviour still there as if they never reincarnated at all. Yet, after two years and Albedo graduating last year, Xingqiu understood that he probably always knew and that maybe he was one of the few people that could have had a conversation with Xingqiu about Liyue or Mondstadt without questioning his sanity. 

Sometimes, though, Xingqiu had found him with a sort of lost look on his face and thought, without asking him for a confirmation, that whatever Albedo remembered by his previous life was nothing he wanted to talk about. If anything, not with Xingqiu. And despite his curiosity, which is as insatiable as a starved beast’s, he respected his choice. After all, there were part of his previous life that even Xingqiu couldn’t see clearly in his dreams but made him wake up in cold sweat and a feeling of pain and sorrow, at times.

If Albedo had been very easy to spot and make contact with, though, Chongyun had been impossible. To the point that Xingqiu even wondered if the other actually enrolled at the same school as him. At least, until he noticed him lose his way through the shelves, looking for who knows which book. It was so sudden that no matter how many times Xingqiu had fantasised about their reunion, he just stayed there for what felt like an eternity. And it was actually Chongyun the one to approach first, with his shy behaviour and no eye contact whatsoever.

“Are you… the person on duty?” he asked in such a quiet voice that Xingqiu answered without even being sure of what the question was about. Luckily enough he didn’t sound like a fool. “I was looking for… esoteric books.” Chongyun admitted like it was a shame or something really weird for someone their age. He couldn’t possibly know that to hear him talking about something so familiar, so like him made Xingqiu feel so reassured he almost wanted to cry instead of giving him a smile and offering to show him which shelf it was.  

Right now, the library is very quiet as it is supposed to be. The nice weather doesn't really make people feel like staying indoors instead of a good walk in the gardens or instead of basking under the sunlight, but Xingqiu doesn't mind the idea of being alone there. Surrounded by books is where he has always been able to feel calm and that helped him find a proper state of mind even when it seemed impossible. He spent hours reading alone in his room when he was still back home and even now. When he's on duty and nobody is around, he slowly walks among the shelves and puts back some of the books or, like now that most of the work has already been taken care of, he simply enjoys the feeling of being alone and relaxed. That is the reason why, when he hears the door opening, Xingqiu can't help but peek out from behind a shelf to see who just entered.

To his surprise, it's Noelle. The surprise is not because she rarely visits the place (in fact, she reads almost as much as him he suspects), but because she is rarely seen without Barbara. When they met for the first time, it took him only a couple of glances to understand that Barbara was from a wealthy family. In facts, she had the attitude but walking with a maid that resembled a bodyguard a lot gave it away. He was curious, so he approached them— he remembered them even though they weren't really that close in his dreams, but in that world where elemental powers (Visions?) were cast upon several people, he thinks that somehow he felt close to Barbara because of their affinity with water. Regarding Noelle, she seemed a quiet, gentle girl. Xingqiu supposes that if he had had the chance to interact more with those from Mondstadt, they could have been great friends.

Now, in this life, she doesn't seem different: still a quiet, discreet, kind girl that takes good care of Barbara and that would surely do it even if their social status was the same. No, to be honest, Xingqiu thinks that Noelle doesn't take it into consideration when it comes to protect Barbara or being her friend. It's like a knight in shining armour that can also be delicate and caring enough to make even the cruellest reality kind of sweet. 

Noelle notices him and gives him a smile. She is quite timid, in a way that reminds Xingqiu of Chongyun, which made really hard to not like Noelle. Not that he had any reason to.

He moves from the spot where he was standing and waves a hand at her until they are close enough that he doesn't have to raise his voice to be heard. "Noelle." he greets her with a small bow. It's not really something that is used nowadays but she always takes it as a funny way he has of greeting people in general. But truth to be told, Xingqiu rarely behaves like that with the others; it's just that Noelle has always given him the impression of understanding. Like Albedo did and, at the same time, unlike him.

Noelle chuckles, barely hearable as she covers her mouth with her hand in a very polite gesture. It's a brief yet honest reaction, so he does not feel offended at all.

"Are you here for a book in particular?" he asks, ready to help her since she's the first to come to the library today. She looks around for a second, dubious expression on her face and a vague uncertainty in her eyes. "Call me if you don't find something." he adds when he notices that perhaps, whatever she's looking for, might be a very private interest. 

"Uhm—!" she tries to stop him, too quick to sound natural. When he looks back at her, Xingqiu finds a shy, troubled face "I have, in fact, come here with a specific topic in mind." she admits, a bit uncomfortable. Xingqiu would like to tell her that she doesn't have to explain only because he's on duty, since he only cares about books not being damaged and not being kept for too long when the date on the inner cover clearly says otherwise. Yet, before he can even begin to reassure her, Noelle seems to find enough courage to speak.

"I was wondering if there was a section about... counselling for very personal matters that people can need at some point in their lives. Since I'm not... well-versed when it comes to the many kinds of relationship people can have, so..."

Xingqiu doesn't really want to sound rude but it's very hard to put it in a way that won't make her feel even more uncomfortable than she already is. Unfortunately, he has read too many books and seen too many dreams to not guess almost immediately where this is going to.

"Forgive me if I'm wrong and if it's not very polite to ask you like this, but are you looking for advice about love?" he tries. The way she blushes almost to the tip of her ears speaks louder than any reply she could give him if she wasn't (probably) think about the quickest way to have the floor swallow her up. He feels almost guilty.

"I apologise," he offers with a small smile "I'm too used at being very... direct with Chongyun." and that is very true, because he sometimes tells him embarrassing things on purpose, but as per why he does so it's not something Noelle can be interested in, for sure. At this point, he doesn't know what else to say and he's about to leave her some space but, again, the former maid stops him with such a soft voice that it's like trying to listen to a timid nightingale too weak to properly chirp.

"Do you... know where I can find them?" she manages to ask him and Xingqiu expected a lot of things, but an admission was not among them. "I think you shouldn't really depend on books for this." he tells her. When she looks up at him, Xingqiu can easily notice that she seems dispirited as if she lost her only hope. "Maybe... talk about it with Barbara?"

Okay, judging from Noelle's expression this was a terrible suggestion.

"I couldn't possibly bother Lady Barbara with this!" she says, not really shouting but the panic is obviously there "I... could I ask for your assistance on the matter?"

This is unexpected.

"I am not sure I will be of some help, but if you think it's worth a try... at least, I have read a lot of books with romance in them and you can use me like an encyclopedia."

*

Of all the things Xingqiu could have thought, Noelle asking him about how she was supposed to reply to the confession of a girl was not even in the top five of possible advice. So when she mentioned it, for a second Xingqiu's brain kind of gave up— he was able to not show it, because he knew that Noelle would have felt worse if he did, and managed to listen to her until the end. His mind, though, couldn't help but search for a memory from the previous life, only to remember that it was useless. After Aether found his twin sister, it's very confusing, like a mist Xingqiu can't see through no matter what.

And now they have been in silence for a while, Noelle with her eyes glued to the desk and Xingqiu observing her.

"So," he clears his voice, "you have been friends with her for a long time. You enjoy each other's company and share a good number of interests. And she confessed." he adds, resuming more or less what he was able to understand from Noelle's embarrassed explanation until now. She nods, too shy to make eye contact with him.

"But you don't know how to respond. Is it because you don't like her?" "No, I... there is no way  I wouldn't like her back. As a friend, I deeply care for her and... she helped me and stayed with me in a lot of situations. She showed kindness and offered her friendship to Lady Barbara too." Noelle explains, nothing that Xingqiu doesn't know already just by observing the other students. It's not like he doesn't understand where her fears and doubts come from but, if he has to be honest, it has never been about accepting in his case. He knew that Chongyun was a special person by his previous life and, once he managed to find him there in the library after five years of dreams, Xingqiu simply felt that nothing was different. Chongyun was still an incredibly important existence that he needed to be there. If he could have his love that would be the best conclusion to an amazing fairytale, but Xingqiu knows better than to chase after the happy ending at all costs.

"I don't really understand, Noelle." he admits, stretching his arms "I would give her a reply. If you care for her in the same way, tell her. If you don't, make sure to express that you are grateful for her feelings even if yours are different. In any case, it depends on your heart."

"My heart..." she repeats, trying to figure out the true meaning of that sentence. "But my heart might be deceived. What if these feelings I have are because of something I remember and not something I truly feel?" she says, her voice trembling a little. It makes her look so fragile despite Xingqiu knowing very well how strong she can be— how strong she is (was).

Her words, though, are what strike him. It is not a casual sentence, because Noelle doesn't seem the kind of person who would say something just for the sake of it, especially during such a talk and considering how much it means for her. Why should she be afraid of misunderstanding her own feelings, it's what Xingqiu doesn't get.

"Forgive my rudeness and, if I'm wrong, I deeply apologise" Noelle's voice catches his attention "but... I was under the impression that you were the same as me, Master Xingqiu." "You don't have to call me 'master', Noelle." he corrects her, knowing that it will be useless this time too. She simply feels this much difference when it comes to wealthy families. "But you were saying?" he half urges her to continue.

She looks at him and she must be debating if it's okay to explain further or not.

"Don't you... have memories of a different past? One where we stayed at Aether's side but not at Lumine's?"

Xingqiu feels ice in his veins. And, at the same time, something inside him burns.

*

It takes him days to figure out how this makes him feel. He thought for years about how it would have been if only there was someone he could talk to, someone that shared this whole mess of previous life memories he continued to dream of. When he fantasized about having a friend who could really understand him, for some reason he expected it to be Xiangling. Yes, he had his suspects regarding Albedo but that was a different story and a very different situation. There is nothing wrong with Noelle, he just didn't expect it to be her.

Despite his surprise, there is no way he can avoid her now that he knows. He wouldn't have done it anyway, since they get along pretty well, but all the more now that he feels there is this connection between them. In the beginning, it's kind of strange, like meeting up because you share a secret that the other could tell everybody else. Yet they end up relaxing when they are around each other and it's... Xingqiu isn't sure how he should describe the feeling. Like a weight finally off his shoulders, maybe. Or the awareness of not being alone anymore.

"Is Noelle... studying more, recently?"

Xingqiu wouldn't say that Chongyun is uninterested in other people. On the contrary, he knows that he would love to have more people around (maybe not too many, but still) and that he simply stops himself from approaching them more often because he has what Xingqiu would call a very low self-esteem. To think that Chongyun is so adorable that he can't even imagine someone not like him... yet this is the first time that the other shows interest in what a person in particular is doing.

“Well, she is serious when it comes to her studies.” he comments, since it’s no mystery that she wants to be capable enough to support Barbara in the future too… even though they chose two completely different paths, it’s kind of admirable. “But not really. Why?” he asks, looking up from the book he has to use as a reference for his homework. They agreed to study together and it’s something they often do despite the different subjects sometimes, so Xingqiu didn’t have a reason to refuse this time either.

Noelle’s words haven’t exactly confused him, but it would be a lie to say that he didn’t understand the fear of not being in control of the feelings they have or the anxiety of not being able to say that they are not influenced by the past. Yet, Noelle told him that she started having those dreams later than him, so Xingqiu supposes that he simply had more time to adjust to the whole situation, to accept everything. Maybe it helped him that Chongyun never showed any sign of remembering or recognising him and yet he chose him anyway— as a friend. That was the only thing Xingqiu wanted to achieve no matter what. If he has to sacrifice everything else… if the day comes when Chongyun will show interest in someone else, then so be it. This is the only thing Xingqiu is not willing to bet on.

There is no all or nothing when it comes to his relationship with Chongyun, so—

“Xingqiu!”

Chongyun’s voice interrupts his stream of consciousness, especially because he can easily recognise the slight worry in his voice and in his gaze when they make eye contact. Also, Chongyun’s hand is brushing against his cheek, as if to make sure he doesn’t feel sick. As always, his fingertips are cold; sometimes Xingqiu wonders if it is because he used to have a cryo vision in his previous life or if it’s only because of nervousness.

“Are you okay?” “Yes, sorry. I spaced out. What were we talking about?” he tries to dissimulate, knowing all too well that sometimes he doesn’t succeed at all but Chongyun simply decides to not force him to tell him what’s going on. This is one of those times. But his expression betrays him: there must be something else that Xingqiu is missing on.

“Do you like Noelle?” “...What?” “Because…” Chongyun tries to keep going despite this being the kind of talk he’s absolutely not used to. If Xingqiu has managed to have the status quo between them is also thanks to this topic never coming up with the other. “Because they said—”

“Who said what?” it comes out more irritated than he wanted to. But everything is already complicated enough without people spreading rumours just for fun. He also feels sorry for Noelle, who is mustering her courage to give an answer to someone dear to her.

“Someone from Noelle’s class. I don’t know their names. But they kept talking about you being always together at the library, so I thought that… if you need more free time, we could just—” “What.” Xingqiu cuts him off, a sense of irritation that it’s hard to ignore or calm down. He looks up at Chongyun, forces him to have eye contact and moves slightly away so that Chongyun’s fingers are not brushing against his cheek anymore.

“Will you stop spending time with me without even knowing if it’s true?” “That’s why I asked you—” “But you believed them enough to feel like asking!” he raises his voice. Not too much, but more than he has ever done since they met. The rational part of his mind knows that it doesn’t make sense to be angry at Chongyun, that he will never understand because he does not remember. That he means well. Yet, Xingqiu stands up and hurriedly puts his things back in his bag.

“Xingqiu, wait—” “Sorry. I have to finish something somewhere else.” is the lamest excuse he could come up with to run away, but it’s still better than giving up to his instincts and tell him something worse he would end up regretting for the rest of his life.

Must be nice to not remember anything.

*

“I feel horrible.” he murmurs, his head hidden by his crossed arms on the table. He can feel Aether’s gaze on him, but not even the presence of his favourite person (after Chongyun) can raise his spirit or make him feel less horrible and less stupid. Even if a small part of him never wants to be a cause of worry for Aether. 

“Is he alive?” Albedo’s voice asks, not exactly worried but Xingqiu wants to think that he already understood enough about his senior to be able to interpret most of the things he says. Even those that might sound rude to the people that don’t know him well. There is a mute exchange between the other two that Xingqiu can’t see because of his position, but he doesn’t need to look at them to know that Aether is probably telling Albedo to have mercy through that sort of telepathy they seem to share.

“Apparently, he had a fight with Chongyun.” Aether carefully offers as an explanation. It doesn’t take long for Albedo to add a simple “Why not apologise instead of agonizing here?” which is not a bad piece of advice but Xingqiu is not in the mood for mature behaviour right now.

“I don’t want to listen to you, of all people, talking about doing the obvious thing instead of agonizing.” Xingqiu tells him, peeking at them without completely lifting his face yet. “It took you ages to confess,” he keeps talking “and thanks to me.” he adds, a small pout on his lips without him noticing. Fortunately, Xingqiu knows how far he can go without enraging Albedo (an experience he wants to avoid at all costs for a lot of reasons”. So Xingqiu is not surprised by the lack of response from him. 

“Then you should follow your own advice.” Albedo tells him as he stands up, his eyes on Aether as their fingers brush against each other discreetly. Xingqiu has noticed it since the first time they exchanged some affection after getting together— or maybe it was even before then: every time they touch (as a greeting, as a quiet show of love) it’s barely noticeable. Xingqiu doesn’t know how they manage because, if he could, he would show his feelings for Chongyun in a very different way. At the same time, though… there is something incredibly tender in what they have. He is glad they got together in the end, especially because Aether literally shines when he is with Albedo.

Both Xingqiu and Aether follow Albedo with their eyes until he cannot be seen anymore. He probably went to buy something or to pay a visit to his former teacher, Zhongli, to give them some time to talk. Xingqiu appreciates the sentiment.

For several minutes, silence fills the room. Xingqiu knows that he is probably quite biased when it comes to Aether, but it’s a fact that when he’s with the former traveler he can feel completely relaxed and comfortable is something undeniable. He supposes that this is one of the things that will never change compared to his previous life. Aether must be waiting for the right moment to ask a question. Xingqiu doesn’t need to wait that long before the other’s voice reaches him.

“Is it something you can’t apologise for?” he asks. Xingqiu wonders if he will be this weak when it comes to Aether for the rest of his life and for the next lives that he will probably go through. Despite how he would avoid answering if it were anybody else, he just sighs.

“Not really. I just feel bad and I don’t know how to explain some things.” “Why did you fight in the first place? I have the feeling that you and Chongyun have such a great relationship that getting into a fight is almost impossible for you.” Aether admits, no ill intent in his words. Xingqiu knows that the impression he has about them must be the same others have when they look at him and Chongyun and he wouldn’t deny it. Unfortunately, their relationship isn’t perfect either. It happens, when only one has stupid memories about their stupid previous life.

“He heard a rumour that me and Noelle like each other or that we are dating.” he answers, not missing the expression on Aether’s face. It’s way too obvious that he knows about Lumine confessing to Noelle― of course, he knows the twins are basically glued together. Xingqiu was happy for them when he saw that, at least in this life, they were not separated anymore. “And before you start worrying, we are not. We just spend time together because we share some… let’s say we have some things in common that we found out only recently. Also, she came to me to ask for love advice.”

He knows, just by looking at Aether, that he’s about to laugh. If only he wasn’t adorable enough to just chuckle to try to not sound rude, Xingqiu knows he would laugh at the situation, since he knows exactly who is the other end of this love advice.

“I got irritated because… I mean, me and Noelle? And I feel sorry for her, she is really trying her best to come up with a reply for the person who confessed to her and now stupid rumours are going to make it very complicated. Hopefully, the one who confessed won’t get the wrong idea.” he adds without Lumine’s name coming up because there’s no need to. Aether looks quite relaxed, now.

“I think that the one who confessed to Noelle knows that the rumours are nothing to be taken seriously.” “Are you saying that I’m not a good catch?” Xingqiu jokes because he prefers the atmosphere they have now instead of the one they previously had, and if he has to pretend that the focus is him being the perfect boyfriend every parent would like he’s more than willing to do so. Even if it’s out of character. Unfortunately, Aether is the best confident but also that friend who doesn’t allow you to dwell too much in your depression without trying to figure out how to solve the problem.

“You are.” he concedes “You know you are a caring person, Xingqiu. But my sister was the first one to notice that your affection is not for Noelle. Not the one of a boyfriend, at least.” he adds. Xingqiu loves Aether very much, but sometimes the twins really are too direct. And too smart. Aether reaches out for him with his hand, taking Xingqiu’s. If things were different, Xingqiu thinks that it wouldn’t have been so strange for him to fall in love with Aether instead― he kissed him once, after all, even if it was only to give a tiny push to Albedo who was being unbearably slow.

“Anyway, I think you could just try to explain to Chongyun why you were so irritated by the situation.” Aether offers that advice and Xingqiu hates the fact that he knows it’s the right thing to do.

“That implies that I have to confess.” “Would it be so terrible?” “…I don’t think he feels the same about me.” he admits. It’s true that between being Chongyun’s best friend for the rest of his life and nothing, Xingqiu would undoubtedly choose the first option. But there is not a single soul that is not afraid of confessing to another, to wear their heart on their sleeve. He’s no exception, no matter how many books he has read or how many dreams he has seen― it doesn't matter that in those dreams, in their past life, it looked like they were more than friends at some point. There’s no guarantee that it will be the same now.

“And I don’t want him to distance himself from me once he knows.” “I know.” Aether says and Xingqiu has no doubt about him truly knowing how this feels like because it’s probably the same fear he had before he and Albedo got together. With or without memories from another life. He feels Aether’s hand squeeze his own. “But is Chongyun the kind of person who would distance himself from you because of this?”

Xingqiu doesn’t know. Is he?

*

Xingqiu doesn’t consider himself a coward; in fact, he tends to despise acts of cowardice and can rarely excuse them. It’s not like he’s avoiding Chongyun, it’s just that their schedules rarely fit since their fight and Xingqiu is not exactly… forcing them to fit in order to have some time alone with him. Group projects for their joint classes or group hangouts are still okay, but Xingqiu knows that almost everyone has noticed that something is off. Some of them, like Xiangling who has been his friend for years, directly asked him; others, like Noelle, only looks at him worriedly from time to time and wondering if she should interfere or not.

Aether is not judging him but Xingqiu feels like every time their eyes meet is as if the other is telling him shouldn’t you stop running away?

The worst thing is that Xingqiu knows he’s right― Aether or his conscience that loves to communicate with him making it sound like Aether.

Now, though, what Xingqiu didn’t expect during a group hangout was for Razor of all people to stick to him. Not that he doesn’t like him: at first he didn’t know how to approach him― to be honest, Xingqiu has not many memories of him from his previous life and dreams, only vague ones about Razor being close to Aether. But after getting used to him, Xingqiu noticed that he’s not so different from Chongyun, in a sense. They are both honest, a bit clumsy (which makes them very cute in their own way) and unable to lie; that is something Xingqiu appreciates. Well, he also likes to make fun of them since they tend to believe anything he tells them, but it’s never because of ill intent. In the end, he makes up to them.

Despite this, Razor is usually glued to Bennett and Aether (or Lumine), not to him. Not until today, apparently. The good thing about Razor’s company is that he’s not exactly a chatterbox; the bad thing is that Xingqiu doesn’t like not being able to understand what’s going on in the other’s mind very much. And it’s very unusual for him to not offer his help to buy drinks and bring them here considered that Lumine has gone with her twin alone.

“Do you” Xingqiu begins, his eyes wandering in the direction of the group a few meters away, where Chongyun is “need something?” he asks. Razor, as if he was waiting or this question in particular, immediately looks at him. This is going to be a very hard conversation. “You are not good.” he replies which, really, Xingqiu has no idea what it is supposed to mean. Razor usually speaks in a very simple way, since he’s still learning their language with him coming from another country and all, but sometimes his simple and brief sentences are hard to understand.

“Not good?” he repeats, confused. Razor nods but, luckily, he decides to say something more: “You are not happy.” he adds “You not like the lake?”

Xingqiu is dumbfounded, for a moment. It never occurred to him that Razor could be simply worried about him or that he gave away so easily that he was not in the mood to enjoy the relaxing visit to the lake during their first weekend without too many assignments. He feels guilty. If only he had talked to Chongyun the atmosphere would have been better without any of them having to be considerate of him.

“No, I like the lake. I like being close to the water in general.” he replies, offering an apologetic smile. Razor seems to study him and then he’s suddenly too close for comfort― at least Razor is known for having no sense of personal space and Xingqiu doesn’t mind too much. “Then you sick?” the other asks, putting his forehead against Xingqiu’s before he can even answer and reassure him. Yet, it makes Xingqiu chuckle because, really, Razor is such a good boy.

…No previous life-related pun intended.

“No, I’m fine, really.” “Hmmm…” for sure Xingqiu never knew how stubborn Razor could be until now. “Lumine told me you and Chongyun fight. But you still talk today. So I don’t understand well.” he admits. Probably Lumine told some of them out of consideration so that nobody would ask questions or make them tense.

“I just have to apologise.” Xingqiu admits. At this point, there’s nothing else to do. Also, he’s tired of not spending time comfortably with Chongyun like they used to. He has no time to think about what to say to his friend, though, because Razor suddenly grabs his wrist and pulls him towards the group. “Wait―” “I go with you. We apologise together.” Razor tells him with such confidence that Xingqiu can’t reject him. To think that it was such a simple thing to do. Maybe Albedo was right, after all.

*

He feels a feather-like touch against his neck, the soft sensation of lips kissing him with the utmost affection and care. There is an arm around his waist, but he also realizes that his legs are wrapped around someone’s body. The hand that is not on his hip slowly caresses his back. It’s a very intimate situation and Xingqiu feels butterflies in his stomach, so to say. Yet it’s something more than a cliché feeling he could find in a romance novel. It’s a mix of nervousness, anticipation and… excitement. A lock of hair tickles his cheek and, when he turns his head enough to peer at the face of the other person, he recognises that light colour as the one of Chongyun’s hair. The sudden realization strikes him like the rush of warmth that he feels in his body.

Instinctively, he moves his hips to have more contact with Chongyun’s body and he feels his excitement grow enough that he lets a low, soft moan escape his lips. They are still completely dressed, so Xingqiu doesn’t know how he should consider this but it makes him ask for more. Not that he pronounces any of the thoughts that are filling his mind.

“Xingqiu…” a single whisper is all it takes for him to feel a shiver along his spine. Chongyun has never called his name in such a sweet voice, with so much love that would make him feel almost embarrassed if he were to use it in front of other people. Only once, in a dream of his previous life, Xingqiu has heard something similar to this and, at the same time, not quite the same. Another kiss on the neck, so innocent that even without hearing his voice or seeing part of his face, Xingqiu would know for sure that it’s Chongyun and that everything belongs to him― the body against his, the arm that is hugging him, the lips that are kissing him.

“Can I―” Chongyun asks, but what is supposed to come after that, Xingqiu doesn’t know.

He wakes up, the dim light of the sunshine coming through the curtains. Golden eyes, wide open, stare at the ceiling as his chest rises and falls because of his quickened breath. The realization of the almost wet dream he just had about Chongyun sinks like the heaviest rock.

He really has to do something about this.

*

Inviting Chongyun in his room to study is the worst idea ever, especially after the last dream he had, but he asks him anyway and (as expected) Chongyun accepts. He looks so happy about being together again after the day Xingqiu apologised with Razor at his right side as if he needed a bodyguard to admit that he was sorry, that Xingqiu feels guilty. He never really explained to the other boy what made him mad about the whole Noelle rumour and promised he would tell him another day because they are all together to enjoy the day and he wouldn’t want to waste time more than he already had. The truth is Xingqiu wasn’t ready and, for sure, he still isn’t.

Now they have been studying diligently for almost an hour, with no real distractions; Chongyun hasn’t asked him questions, probably because he trusts him completely and he’s waiting for Xingqiu to start the conversation. He doesn’t know why Aether was so sure this would be easy or that he could feel better after telling Chongyun everything.

“Do you want to take a break?” “Yes!” Chongyun replies, too quick to sound casual. Now that Xingqiu finally takes his time to observe him, he notices that Chongyun is a bit stiff and looks like he’s expecting a giant boar to come out from the closet and try to eat him alive. He was too focused on the internal struggle that he barely noticed when it was so obvious that it almost hurts. Xingqiu’s eye stay there on his friend’s face and pretends to not see how the tips of his ears get redder out of embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, I mean… yes, let’s take a break.” Chongyun says, quieter than usual. It makes him want to hug him and tell him that it’s okay, no matter what his answer will be. “Do you want to talk first?” Xingqiu asks because really, at this point it’s not like he can keep pretending that everything is alright or that he forgot his promise to explain everything. The way Chongyun looks up from his notebook to him, hopeful, literally destroys whatever willpower Xingqiu still had left in him.

“Okay.” he moves from his position to close the distance between them. He makes it so that it’s still comfortable enough for the both of them― part of his mind is busy with repeating a stupid don’t run away, don’t run away, don’t run away that he’s not sure if it’s more for him or for Chongyun. The other only adjusts himself so that he can face Xingqiu properly and stay quiet, waiting for him to start talking.

“When you asked me about Noelle,” he begins, “I got irritated. Partly because we had talked about her crush and she was thinking really hard about what to do that I would have hated if some silly rumours were going to make it harder for her and who I supposed is her partner at this point.” he admits, which is not a lie but he knows that there is more than this honourable reason. Chongyun seems to feel really bad knowing this, as if by asking him he helped those rumours to spread and worsened the situation. Xingqiu can’t help but offer him a kind, reassuring smile. He takes Chongyun’s hand in his own, giving it a small encouraging squeeze. Who knows if, after telling him the truth, Chongyun will let go of his hand.

“But,” Xingqiu keeps talking “there is something else I need to tell you. The other reason why I was angry.”

For a few seconds, the silence is unbearable and Xingqiu wonders if he should have stayed quiet. To think that he still hasn't confessed yet and that he's already this scared is enough for him to understand how much courage it takes to risk everything without knowing how it will end. There is nothing that can be of help in this situation: whatever happened in their previous life, whatever they had before means almost nothing since Chongyun doesn't remember it. And even if he did, it would be awful to think that he could feel obligated to feel the same. Who knows, maybe considering that even with memories Chongyun could reject him or just love him as a friend can help Xingqiu to face this with at least some dignity.

"I'm listening." Chongyun tells him, in a soft way to say that it's okay, he can talk to him. Xingqiu feels like an idiot. Haven't they been friends for years? Doesn't he know better than anyone else how much Chongyun treasures the people he has in his life, how much he would do for them? The person he met in this life and the one he cared for in the past are the same when it comes to this: they would never disregard the feelings of another person without trying to understand them first. Xingqiu's worries suddenly sound so stupid— but he is still afraid.

"I am in love with you." he blurts out. He could have used thousands of words because with all the books he read if there is something he doesn't lack is words. He could have told him of perfect feelings and many reasons behind them, he could have revealed all about his dreams, how he found out about having had an important person in a life so distant from him and yet so close when he was only eleven. Of all the possible options for a confession, he just told him. Unable to keep it bottled up more than this, too tired to keep pretending, too afraid of losing him without even trying. And now Chongyun is looking at him like Xingqiu has just spoken in a language he can't understand.

Xingqiu lowers his gaze, instinctively search for their hands, afraid of seeing Chongyun's letting go of his. It doesn't happen and he thinks well, better than nothing.

The silence is killing him. He can bear with it for a few seconds, for a minute or two, but then it starts to feel like hours and he has to look up at him. Ready for a very negative reaction (not disgust, but some sort of confusion and shock for sure), he finds himself looking at Chongyun's face getting redder and redder. Okay. Embarrassment was to be expected.

"...are you angry?" he asks, tentatively. Chongyun raises his head so quickly that if Xingqiu had been closer he would have surely hit Xingqiu's chin. "I'm—" he tries but starts babbling something that Xingqiu can't really understand "I'm..." he tries again, his voice getting weaker and weaker by the time he gives up talking. Xingqiu doesn't know what to do. Urging him doesn't sound very smart.

"I know." he clears his throat and pretends to not notice that despite the fact that Chongyun is still holding his hand, his eyes look somewhere else. "You probably think of me as a friend. I... don't really want to make you uncomfortable. I'm okay with you not feeling the same, so if you are thinking about having to reciprocate because otherwise I will stop talking to you or anything like that, I want you to know that you are wrong." he manages to find a decent way to put this. Surprisingly, once he starts talking it gets easier. Not that he can erase the confession from Chongyun's mind anyway.

"I just wanted you to know. But the fact that you are important to me doesn't change with your answer. To be honest, I... thought of not telling you." Xingqiu admits and he hopes his voice won't betray him now. No trembling, no uncertainties. He doesn't know why, but this last sentence seems to wake Chongyun up from whatever is going on in his mind. "Why?"

That is a complicated question. Yet, Xingqiu knew that confessing would bring up questions like this. He supposes it's only fair to give Chongyun all the answers he wants from him.

"Because I don't think you feel the same." he chooses to be honest. No tricks, no small jokes, no making fun of how pure and clumsy Chongyun is. Not this time. "And I think this could make you uncomfortable. That it will change the relationship we have for the worse. I know you don't like to talk about this topic, we basically never mention others' relationships and I'm okay with it. I mean, I like what we have. Just... I felt horrible for getting angry at you because I knew you didn't mean to make me feel bad in any way. That's why I decided to tell you in the end. I want you to know that I don't look at Noelle that way because, to begin with, I don't like girls."

"So you... liked other boys before?" this is not what he thought Chongyun would ask. But does it matter at this point? "Not like you. But I kissed one." "Someone I know?"

Okay, he shouldn't chuckle. He manages to keep it at an amused smile as he replies "Aether."

Chongyun's eyes widen. This could become a bigger misunderstanding than the one regarding Noelle and the romantic meetings in the library.

"It was because it was frustrating how slow he and Albedo were. Basically, the whole dormitory had noticed they had feelings for each other. So I just gave a little push. But both me and Aether doesn't think much of it, I mean... not in a romantic way. Does knowing this make you feel bad?"

Chongyun is quiet, probably trying to process all the information he got. Xingqiu gives him all the time he needs— a small voice in his head keeps insulting him for mentioning the kiss. Too late.

"Not bad, but..." the other mumbles, peering at him. "Do you want to?" "What?" "Kiss Aether now."

...Seriously, he loves Chongyun but how on earth did he come to that conclusion is beyond Xingqiu's comprehension.

"No." he answers, patiently. Should he dare to ask more, since Chongyun doesn't seem too uncomfortable while talking about boys kissing each other? "Do you?"

"No, I don't like Aether that way."

This time, Xingqiu can't help but laugh. Probably it helps that all this nerve-wracking situation lost its pathos with the last answer Chongyun gave him; or, perhaps, it's the fact that despite everything he can still feel Chongyun's hand holding his— he's not letting go. Maybe he won't for a long time.

"I would have felt very betrayed if you did." he admits and moves his free hand to grab Chongyun's other one. He sees the other looking down at them for a moment and then they have some eye contact again. "I meant, do you... want to kiss a boy? Generally speaking."

Chongyun is so embarrassed and it shows so much on his face that it's basically impossible to ignore it or to pretend he didn't notice it. Xingqiu is starting to feel bad enough to consider the option of telling the other that it's okay, he doesn't have to answer and that they can just go back to what they usually do. After all, he never meant for the confession to become nothing more than what it is supposed to be.

"You." Chongyun replies, his voice almost a whisper that Xingqiu almost doesn't hear. Not that he can easily believe it to not be a trick of his mind because Chongyun doesn't even look at people for too long, let alone telling them he wants to kiss them.

"You say that you don't expect me to like you back, but..." he says and, really, those words have all of Xingqiu's attention "Why? I thought you... noticed. That I like you too."

When exactly was he supposed to notice it?!

"...But you never told me!" "I hold your hands all the time, though." Chongyun points out. Wait. Was that a sign of obvious adoration he missed? Because even five years old hold hands but it doesn't make them a married couple. "Me and Xiangling held hands a lot when we were children." "But I only do it with you."

This is giving him a headache.

"So you are going to tell me that even letting me use your lap as a pillow was your way of telling me you like me?" "...I also play with your hair sometimes." he admits as if he's confessing the worst crime a person could commit. Xingqiu feels that it's better to not ask further. Because if these are some of the occasions where Chongyun showed him his feelings, he doesn't even want to think about how many more he missed.

Xingqiu feels his hand squeezed and it catches his attention. When he looks up he finds Chongyun's face too close.

"I don't know how to kiss, though." he candidly admits. "I don't care." Xingqiu replies because he really couldn't care less about Chongyun being inexperienced. To be honest, better than him knowing exactly what to do.

"So now we can kiss, right?"

Xingqiu snorts and pulls him by his hand, closer.