Flowers of the night

I still haven’t managed to tell you anything.

The first time Yamato met Nagi, his thoughts were pretty clear.
First: Rokuya Nagi was so beautiful that looking at him was breathtaking. His blonde hair, smooth and so peculiar for a (half) Japanese, his blue eyes that were gleaming and that cheerful, friendly smile on his lips together with a perfect body made him someone people could never get used to.
Second: the person in front of him was a model. Yamato, as an actor, knew more or less the people in the show business and Nagi was praised a lot by photographers that worked on sets sometimes. To think that he was meeting him in his own house and thanks to his flatmate (Mitsuki), was simply absurd.
Third: Nagi was - probably - the boyfriend of the person Yamato had a crush on.

He is not really sure, if he has to be honest. He and Mitsuki don’t talk all that much about their past relationships - or the present ones - but Yamato vaguely remembers Mitsuki telling him about this guy he had a crush on back in high school when they drank to celebrate both of them starting living in that apartment together. It is a thing of the past, but if Mitsuki was okay with a boy once, Yamato supposes there is no reason why he shouldn’t be now. And Rokuya Nagi is so handsome that Yamato doubts it can be a matter of genre when it comes to like him.
He has seen them together a couple of times and briefly, but he noticed that, at least, they are close - enough to call each other on a first name basis, to be informal, to joke around in a way typical of close friends. It’s not a given that they are together in that sense, but it would not surprise him if they were. He never asked, though. Maybe because if he doesn’t, Mitsuki won’t either, and Yamato surely doesn’t want to talk about that topic.
«Yamato-kun, Yamato-kun» Momo smiles at him, closing the distance and sitting next to him: the photographer gave them a ten minutes break in order to change some details for the second half of the shoot and of course Momo couldn’t ignore him.
«The next part is with Yuki, right?» he asks, shining eyes and a happy smile on his lips. Yamato got to know him through Yuki: with them being senpai and kouhai as actors, Yamato wasn’t really surprised when for one of his first drama he ended up co-starring with Yuki. Momo came as a consequence: Yuki’s partner on work, both from the same agency, Yamato probably is one of the few who knows about them being partners in life too.
And since Yuki introduced Yamato as his kouhai, of course Momo treats him as one, tries to spoil him like Yamato is a kid. It’s a bit embarrassing sometimes, especially because Momo is… a touchy-feely senior, the one who thinks you are cute and tells you while you are just trying to die inside without bringing too many troubles to the world.
«Who’s that? Ah, Nagi-kun! I met him once or twice with Yuki, he’s really handsome.»
«He truly is.» Yamato says, looking at the instagram account on his mobile phone; he was going through the new pictures updated by his mutuals and just stopped on Nagi’s: he and Mitsuki are looking at the screen - it surely is a selfie - both smiling, with Nagi holding in his hand a gadget from Magical Kokona. Mitsuki looks like he’s having fun. Yamato is sure (he knows) that Nagi is everything his fans write about him online: kind, a true gentleman whose smile could make you feel safe and loved and cared for. A charming prince.
«But Yuki is way more handsome!»
«I don’t want to say something that could be used as blackmail material by that man. So, I strongly disagree.» he replies, a small sigh. Momo chuckles, probably ready to say something, but Yuki does it first: «Don’t be shy, Yamato-kun.»
«I’m not.»
«Nobody will judge you because you are embarrassed in front of your beautiful senpai.»
«This is sexual harassment, senpai.»
«Yuki! You should sexual harass me too!»
Momo is a good person, if he could just be a bit quieter Yamato would definitely like him more - not that he doesn’t respect him, both as a person and as a co-worker. He sighs, eyes on the screen once again, ready to ignore those two and pretend he’s there, alone. Momo has other plans.
«The other boy, he’s not in the show business, right?» he asks, pointing at Mitsuki with his finger, curiosity in his eyes «Isn’t he your roommate, Yamato?»
«He is.»
«Did you introduce them?!»
«More like Mitsuki was the one who introduced us. Rokuya just came once to our flat and I was there, so...» he doesn’t really explain any further, since it’s not such a big deal. They simply met, and most of the times Rokuya comes in with Mitsuki and greets him, asks some small questions (just to be polite, Yamato supposes) and then goes with Mitsuki in his room - if Yamato is using the living room to practice some script - or they just stay in the common area and Yamato is the one who disappear. Rokuya seems a good guy, really. Yamato doesn’t want to think too much about it, though. After all there are just two options for him: Mitsuki is gay, and he’s with Rokuya or at least it could be a thought in his mind; Mitsuki is straight, and if Rokuya Nagi isn’t enough to make him doubt his sexuality how many chances does Yamato have?
Zero.

«Here, a beer.»
Yamato opens his eyes and what he sees makes him feel like there’s still hope in this world: Mitsuki is smiling at him, two cans of beer in his hands, a bright orange t-shirt too big for him (Yamato tries to ignore the doubt about what gives him hope, if the alcohol or Mitsuki’s smile).
He takes the drink, a grateful smile on his lips; he moves slightly aside, making room on the sofa for Mitsuki. They sit next to each other, drinking quietly for a few moments.
«Thanks, I needed a break.» Yamato admits, his head against the upper part of the sofa, his body now relaxed.
«The new script?» Mitsuki asks, looking at the object on Yamato’s legs. He nods, his eyes wandering and a small sigh is already an answer.
«Is it so terrible?»
«Not really. It’s based on a book, and it’s a sad story about high schoolers. Onii-san was in high school too many years ago.» he jokes, taking a sip of his beer. He feels Mitsuki’s gaze on him, an unspoken question between them. Yamato doesn’t really want to talk about the script he still hasn’t grasp completely; Mitsuki, though, has a different idea.
«What’s the story about?»
«There’s this kid who plays the piano and one day his best friend brings him to the hospital for a visit. His girlfriend is sick and friend-kun asks the piano boy to play for her. They get to know each other.»
«This isn’t so bad…?»
«Piano boy falls in love with her, but she is with friend-kun.»
«Okay, not really lucky but—»
«She asks piano boy to kill himself with her like lovers do.»
«What?!»
«Well, he refuses anyway.» Yamato assures, a bit amused by Mitsuki’s reactions, looking at him while he breathes in and out.
«She dies in the end, though.» he adds, betraying the small hope in Mitsuki’s eyes. The other looks at him, horrified, as if Yamato just killed a puppy in front of him.
«That’s horrible! I don’t want to watch it anymore?!»
Yamato laughs, Mitsuki’s expression a priceless one. When he doesn’t stop, Mitsuki hits him hard enough to make him feel guilty and make him stop. Or, at least, chuckle instead of laughing so hard.
«Shouldn’t you make me curious to the point I’ll want to watch it? Wait— did you lie?!»
«I didn’t lie. It’s not a big deal if you don’t watch it, Mitsu.»
Mitsuki puffs loudly, because they have been here more than once before - Yamato telling him that something doesn’t matter when it does. Frankly speaking Yamato knows that it’s useless to argue with him about it and, above all, to state his reasons he should tell Mitsuki how much the plot of this drama makes him want to puke.
«So, which is your part? The friend or the piano boy?»
«Piano boy.»
«Then I have to watch it. Yamato must look sexy while playing the piano.» he teases him, and Yamato almost chokes while drinking his beer. He looks at Mitsuki’s smug face, sighing and shaking his head.

«So, Yuki-san is friend-kun?» he asks and switch the TV on, maybe because he thinks the drama already has a commercial that he could see.  Yamato doesn’t answer immediately, pretending to be distracted by the TV itself; in his mind, though, images couldn’t be more different - he has no piano to play, the girl doesn’t ask him anything, she just says whatever she wants to say and Yuki isn’t there, Yuki is not even his friend, he’s not there but at the same time he’s the center of everything.
«Yeah. Do you have work tomorrow?»
«No, it’s a day off.» Mitsuki assures and looks at him, a small frown when he notices Yamato finish his can; Yamato knows that Mitsuki is too smart to not notice something is off, but he’s good at hiding, at building walls and drawing lines nobody will be able to cross if he doesn’t allow it.
«Good.» he says as he stands up and gives him a mischievious smile «Then keep me company. Let’s drink some more.»

It’s a weird feeling, something that seems far away from him but, at the same time, it’s all around him. Yamato feels a body against his, hands in his hair, fingers moving and caressing his nape. It makes him shiver, but it’s hard to stop - he has his arms around a small body and the kiss he’s sharing is warm and a bit clumsy and extremely pleasant.
He must have lost his glasses because everything is blurry when he opens his eyes; a moan in his mouth and it’s impossible to tell if it’s his own or from the person on his lap.
Mitsuki’s voice calls his name.

The scent of coffee wakes him up. The moment he sits, Yamato knows that he didn’t sleep well: his back is killing him, and when he notices he’s not in his room he sighs. Of course sleeping on the sofa isn’t good for his body. He stands up and regrets his life choices, especially drinking until he dropped dead: his head hurts and his jersey has seen better days. Yamato moves towards the kitchen and when he enters Mitsuki is about to pour the coffee in his cup; so he closes the distance as he always does, stops behind him and opens the cupboard. He doesn’t worry too much about his torso against the other’s back - it’s not the first time he dreams of Mitsuki, nor the first time he has to pretend that he didn’t or that he doesn’t like his flatmate. It’s been almost a year since they started sharing that apartment. Yamato is perfectly capable of hiding things. He’s—
Mitsuki jumps when they touch and a bit of coffee spills.
«Sorry» Yamato says, picking his cup and looking at him. Mitsuki doesn’t look back at him and chuckles nervously, which is not like him at all and Yamato knows it, so he can’t help but frown a little, trying to understand what’s wrong with him. It happened once, and back then Mitsuki was embarrassed because he had told him stuff about his previous crush when they just met, basically. Maybe, he thinks, I should tell him that I don’t remember a thing about what we said after the third beer.
Fortunately, he gets distracted before doing it.
Unfortunately, what distracts him is a hickey on Mitsuki’s neck: it’s slightly visible, and if he hadn’t closed the distance between them, Yamato is sure he wouldn’t have noticed.
«...Did Rokuya come here while I was asleep?» he asks before he can stop himself. Mitsuki finally looks at him, confused.
«No, he didn’t. Why?»
Yamato stays quiet for a moment, his throat completely dry.
«No, it’s just» just what «I thought I heard a voice while I was waking up but maybe it’s the hangover’s fault.» he dissembles, a small and almost apologetic smile.
Mitsuki moves enough to give him a friendly pat on the shoulder: «You better drink some coffee then. You have work in the afternoon, right?»
Yamato nods, absent-mindedly.
He really fucked up this time. Shit.

For the next two weeks he does what he’s better at: run away.
Mitsuki doesn’t talk about the fact, and Yamato is okay with it. He noticed that Rokuya hasn’t come since then and this doesn’t help at all; Yamato wonders if Mitsuki told him what happened and if they broke up or had an argument or God knows what else. Yamato wants to ask, be sure if he has to apologise or assure that it was his fault and not Mitsuk’s. Maybe he should just let Rokuya punch him - not in the face, if possible, but he’s more or less ready to accept the consequences.
Two weeks and the drama is making him nervous: they are about to reach one of the most important scenes and Yamato still has so many mixed feelings that he doesn’t know how to act.
Of course his kind senpai has to be a pain in the ass about it.
«Shouldn’t you be able to do this better, Yamato-kun?»
Yamato hates him because he’s always, annoyingly right, and because - as an actor - Yuki really is brilliant. He can manage almost every role and his advices are on point and helpful. Yet, Yamato hates his way of putting things: too straight-forward to the point he sounds rude or provocative (he is).
«I’m fine.» he lies, and obviously Yuki decides to sit down next to him and talk more.
«Is it the next scene? Your senpai is ready to help a cute kouhai if he wants to practice.»
«I can manage, thank you.»
The silence, for a moment, makes him think that just this once Yuki will let it go.
He is wrong.
«Isn’t it something you know pretty well, Yamato-kun? Looking at a person that you want for yourself, that almost made you believe they loved you, and understand that they are someone else’s? Don’t you already know how does it feel? Then the scene will be okay: you don’t even have to act.»
Yamato freezes. For a moment he thinks Yuki noticed about Mitsuki and is just teasing him, but he isn’t. He’s talking about something else. He’s talking about—
«Didn’t you—»
«Shut up!»
He feels Momo’s gaze on him, maybe a surprised one - he doesn’t know for sure since he doesn’t look at him - but what makes him feel so miserable is Yuki’s expression:  Yuki’s eyes betray his thoughts (you are doing it again. You are still the same brat you were back then.) and Yamato looks away, because he can’t stand it.
Building walls and drawing lines is something he learnt a long, long time ago, but it’s a fragile process. An unbalanced brick, and the wall falls; a trembling hand, and the line is abruptly interrupted.
Human bonds break easily, Yamato knows it better than anyone else.
Yuki doesn’t seem too worried by his reaction. Instead, he observes him like nothing happened: «After all» he begins «you had your chance, right? To do what you wanted to do back then to someone who lied to you.»
Yes, he wanted to have his revenge against her as much as he wanted (wants) to have it against his father.
«And what did you do?»
He wished her well. Because he was - and still is - a coward.
«So can you despise friend-kun?» Yuki keeps talking like this has been about the drama the whole time and Yamato can’t understand if it’s so that Momo doesn’t get to know something personal about Yamato or just in order to make fun of him, with that “we both know what I’m talking about but let’s pretend we don’t” attitude that is typical of Yuki.
«But deep down you know it’s not his fault. The unfaithful one is that selfish, pitiful girl. If you keep denying it, you won’t be able to show the audience your character’s feelings.»
So what?, Yamato thinks. He doesn’t want to show anything to anyone.
He did, and this is what he got back. Feelings are too much of a gamble and he usually doesn’t win. Why should he give away his feelings like that?
The audience can switch the channel. Isn’t it what they do anyway, in the end?
Screw that.

When he goes back home and finds Mitsuki waiting for him in the living room, a serious look on his face, Yamato knows that something is off, yet he’s already too tired to try to figure out what it could be. Mitsuki looks at him and invites him to sit down with a gesture of his hand; Yamato sighs discreetly and joins his flatmate on the sofa. Mitsuki has an expression that seems to forewarn the end of the world. The best case scenario, Yamato thinks absent-mindedly, is Mitsuki coming out to him and telling him about a relationship with Rokuya - surprisingly enough Yamato finds himself able to think about it calmly, ready to face it. He doesn’t know if he has just convinced himself about his crush being hopeless or what.
«I think there’s something we should discuss.» Mitsuki says with that (rare) serious voice of his. Yamato adjusts on the sofa, waiting for him to keep talking.
«Maybe you don’t remember because of the alcohol but I do.» it’s all Mitsuki need to add for Yamato to feel like he wants to die somewhere else, to be everywhere but in that room. He doesn’t dare to say a word and does his best so that his expression doesn’t betray him. Maybe he manages to fool Mitsuki, but he knows this won’t just end like this.
«When we drank together last time—»
«I know.» Yamato stops him before he can rationally consider what kind of emotional suicide this is. Even Mitsuki is surprised, if by the fact that he remembers too or by his tone Yamato doesn’t (want to) know.
«I know what happened.» he repeats, trying to sound calmer. He doesn’t dare to look up, though; Mitsuki’s eyes are on him, that much is obvious. Probably he’s trying to figure out what Yamato’s admission means, what implies. Yamato curses himself: the cat is out of the bag anyway, so he could at least say what’s been on his mind for the past two weeks and then that will be all.
«I will apologise to Rokuya, if you need me to.»
«Wait, why are you bringing up Nagi now?»
Yamato finally looks at him and his confused expression reflets Mitsuki’s.
«Aren’t you going out with him?»
«What?! Nagi is my best friend but we are nothing like that!»
«...Ah.» this is the most intelligent comment Yamato manages to give him, feeling the urge to slap himself because seriously? “Ah”?
«And anyway, I’m the one who should apologise. You do have a boyfriend and I knew it, so… well we were both drunk but it’s not like I didn’t understand what was happening. I should have stopped.»
«...A boyfriend? Who?»
«You?»
«I don’t?»
«But» Mitsuki seems almost offended «the colleague who came a couple of times...»
Yamato feels a shiver and he can’t help but look at Mitsuki, sure about the disgusted expression he must be showing right now.
«You don’t mean Yuki-san, right?»
An embarrassed silence falls in the room and Yamato isn’t sure if he should just laugh it off or not but the thing is, for a brief and terrible moment, he almost pictured him and Yuki being boyfriends and this is something he (unfortunately) will never forget for the rest of his life.
«I assure you that Yuki-san is just my senior when it comes to work. We absolutely don’t have the kind of relationship you are thinking about.» he says, without mentioning the fact that Yuki has his hands full with someone else and that’s been like this for the last three or four years. When they both stay quiet, Yamato realizes what all the misunderstanding means: Mitsuki isn’t going out with Rokuya - and, hopefully, with anyone else - and now he knows that he, Yamato, doesn’t have a boyfriend. And they made out.
«...Okay.» Mitsuki says, but it sounds more like he’s talking to himself than to Yamato, if it wasn’t for the fact that his eyes are on him, with that straight-forwardness so Mitsuki-like that Yamato can’t really hate it even if it means trouble «I’ll just say it.» he adds.
It’s like be scared of a thunder you knew was going to come. No matter if you saw the lightning, the sound will still be loud and sudden and frightening.
«I kissed you because I like you. I think you understood it by yourself, Yamato-san.»
He’s right. Yamato at least noticed that Mitsuki was captivated by that kiss as much as he was. If he thinks about the way they sometimes share a space or look at each other, Yamato knows that there’s a chance and maybe he always knew, even if he pretended not to. But he repeated to himself that there was Rokuya, and if Rokuya and Mitsuki weren’t like that then the problem would be him, his work, his way of doing things, his past, his failed relationship or even his father.
Yamato had so many reasons to think this would end in a bad way that there was no room to consider a happy ending.
«I...» he starts, then stops. He lowers his eyes, like his knee can give him an answer «I don’t think I can do this.»
«...Oh.» it’s the reply that makes him look up. It’s the worst mistake he could do: Mitsuki’s expression is so hurt he immediately feels guilty and horrible - has Mitsuki misunderstood? Does he think it’s because he’s not good enough or because Yamato doesn’t like him?
If he could, he would tell him it’s not that. He likes him a lot, way more than Mitsuki can imagine, but he’s not ready for another relationship that ends abruptly or someone who stays with him just to go away like everyone else already did. Yamato would accept a “forever relationship”, one that will always be there for him, no matter how insignificant and horrible he is.
A relationship like that doesn’t exist, though. So what’s the point?
«I think I could easily fall in love with you.» he admits because it’s true and if there’s something Mitsuki deserves - something he can give him - it’s his honesty. At least once.
«But I don’t know if I want to.»
The silence between them suddenly becomes unbearable. The moment Yamato finishes the sentence, he understands that something, somewhere, just broke and that’s probably Mitsuki’s idea of him. Yamato can almost hear it inside his head, Mitsuki’s voice saying that he’s different from what he has always believed, that he’s selfish, someone who doesn’t deserve any love. It’s laughable somehow, because deep inside Yamato doesn’t really think he has any right to correct him. It’s not like he doesn’t understand the impact of what he just said, the implications; it’s exactly because he knew that he told Mitsu. Now the only thing left to do, for him, is seeing Mitsuki giving up on him. Tell him he was wrong. It’s not worth of his time, or feelings, or both. Your loss, he could say and Yamato would know that it’s exactly like that: his loss. Mitsuki’s gain.
«...Look at me.» it’s what Mitsuki says instead. Yamato looks up, confused, and the next thing he feels is the punch in the face - it’s amazing how thoughts that were so elaborate just a few seconds before are now a messy, monothematic “fuck, it hurts”. He probably cut the inside of his mouth, judging from the metallic taste; he brings his hand to his face, touches here and there and the checks it: blood. Nothing too serious but—
«You asshole!» Yamato’s gaze follows Mitsuki’s voice and it’s not so unexpected but when he sees Mitsuki’s hurt expression Yamato understands. He wasn’t ready. Neither of them were.
«I knew you were a coward but I thought you were a decent person. “I don’t know if I want to” my ass!» he’s so visibly angry that Yamato can’t remember how he believed the reaction could be… more mature? Uninterested?
«How should I feel, huh? Happy because I know that at least you could fall in love with me? How selfish can you be?!»
«Mitsu, calm—»
«Don’t you dare tell me to calm down.» he’s shouting even louder and honestly, Yamato has no idea about what to do now «Was it fun? Maybe you even noticed way before I told you. Was it convenient?»
«I’m not that kind of person.»
«Ah» Yamato doesn’t need to look at him to know that what he hears in his voice is sarcasm «then what kind of person are you? Because I thought I knew, but obviously I don’t. Ah, yeah. Not that you ever bothered to show something personal.»
Yamato knows it’s wrong. That Mitsuki is angry and impulsive. He knows it not only because it’s his fault, but also because not once Mitsuki took his shirt in his hands as if he’s about to punch him (again). Yet those words are something he doesn’t want to hear - “I thought you were different”, “I don’t even know you all that well, Nikaido-kun”, “Sometimes I feel like you don’t want me to know you”.
«Then maybe you don’t really like me, right? Or you like someone who  doesn’t exist.»
He doesn’t realize what happens. He just hears the door being slammed.

Next thing Yamato is aware of is Yuki’s face really close and, behind the man, he vaguely recognises the ceiling. A small part of him finds it funny somehow: Yuki who, in Yamato’s mind, will always be the older guy so handsome and, at the same time, such a jerk— that Yuki is showing a relieved expression that betrays some sort of worry.
It’s so funny, though. They don’t have the kind of relationship where you worry about each other, do they?
«He woke up.» Yuki says, looking somewhere at his right side; it takes just a bunch of seconds for Momo to be in Yamato’s field of vision. His smile is a brighter one, when he helps him to sit there on the floor - that’s, in fact, when Yamato notices he’s been on the floor since he opened his eyes.
«What happened?» he asks, confused; the two men share a look before Momo replies «Yuki tried to call you several times, but you never answered, so we decided to use the duplicate key Yuki has.»
«The du-»
«Yes.»
«I never gave you one?!»
«I asked your manager.» Yuki replies like it’s nothing yet, truth to be told, it’s almost unbelievable; because why should Yuki, of all people, have something like that without him or Mitsuki knowing— right. He can ask the details later. There are more important matters now.
«I didn’t hear the phone.» he admits, looking at the small table of the living room, finding the object there: the small light in a corner tells him he has notifications. He doesn’t dare to check how many, at this point.
«Momo, can you make something light to eat or see if there is something like that in the fridge?» Yuki asks, just to see his boyfriend nod and quickly disappear in the kitchen, like he’s at his own flat. There’s a weird silence when Yamato and Yuki are left alone in the room.
«Momo thinks I shouldn’t tell you for now.» Yuki blurts out and Yamato doesn’t like it for at least three reasons: first, he knows Yuki enough to be sure he will tell him anyway and that it’s something a considerate person would never do; second, it’s something Yamato won’t like; third, his head is killing him so he sure as hell doesn’t want to deal with Yuki and some shit is surely going to come at him with the next sentence.
«But I will do it because you are a spoiled brat, so you don’t need two people to go easy on you. Your flatmate is at my house. Well, he’s being for the last two days.»
Yamato stiffens and looks at him. He detests Yuki’s poker face but for now he’s not going to reply to his provocative words. He focuses on Mitsuki’s matter, instead.
«Why is he…?»
«From what I have heard, because someone with an obvious crush on him just decided to be a coward, then gave him the cold shoulder for no reason, was hit by his punch and left alone. I suppose that’s why he doesn’t want to come back.»
Yamato swears to God he will throw a damn party the day Yuki will learn how to be honest without being an asshole. No matter if he’s right. In the first place, Yamato doesn’t like the idea of Yuki knowing about his personal matters.
«Not that it’s your business, senpai.»
«Technically speaking, your almost-boyfriend is invading my private life so I think it is, and you collapsed, not answering your phone and I am saving your ass at work so, again, you should stop play the victim.» Yuki begins and Yamato knows something is off from Yuki’s voice - he realises that’s the Yuki he used to know, the astonishingly beautiful teenager who was the weird, dangerous kind of person who hated everything and everyone. The reason why Yamato found him to be so fascinating - not that he told him, ever - was because Yuki had that enraged yet cool aura about him and Yamato felt like someone could finally understand him even if he were a stranger. But the terrifying thing about that Yuki was that he looked like he was not able to empathise with other human beings, as if he weren’t human to begin with.
It’s been a while since Yamato saw him like this; since Ogami Banri disappeared, probably.
He can feel his blood boiling in his veins, and he doesn’t know if it’s the reason why he also feels dizzy, but he makes sure to hide it. No reason to show Yuki even more weaknesses.
«I’m not playing the victim.» he manages to say «And the fact that you consider this situation your business doesn’t mean I have any intention or will to talk about this with you.» Yamato adds, dead serious when, finally, his eyes go back to Yuki’s face - the other actor’s expression is unimpressed, as if something totally obvious and expected went the way everyone would have predicted without fail.
Yamato doesn’t know if it makes him furious or just irritated. For a moment, he almost believes that Yuki lost interest in whatever he was trying to bring up with his sentences; clearly, years of superficial yet complex - in its own way - relationship don’t mean you can just anticipate what a person would do.
«A person left you behind, so you are going to run away all your life. Sounds like a very stupid plan but well, it’s a plan nonetheless.» it’s the comment that leaves Yuki’s mouth. Yamato is speechless for, like, a few seconds; then, something just overflows inside him - he is not sure if it’s the whole situation, the fact that he slept literally six hours in two days, Yuki’s way of speaking or their past together. It just happens like it always does, like it did with Mitsu too: Yamato bottles up, and up, and up until there is no empty space anymore. Then he just explodes, all the negative feelings and cruel thoughts, no matter how rationally he knows it’s not good, how unfair it is to hurt those who are trying their best as much as they can.

Wasn’t he the one who tried his best and was tossed apart, after all? Shouldn’t he know better?

«You know pretty well how it feels when a person leaves you behind and then you run away, right senpai?»
«Yamato.» it’s not Yuki’s voice to speak, but Momo’s. His eyes are burning, and there is a slight trembling in the hands that are keeping a cup of some hot drink. Yamato immediately gets that he just did a stupid thing, but it’s too late now. And he’s not ready for a second punch to be honest - he glances at Yuki, but what the other’s expression gives him back is nothing in particular.
«Leave him alone, Momo.» he says as he stands up and simply puts a hand on Momo’s shoulder, calming him. Momo doesn’t look satisfied at all, but Yamato supposes that even if what he said made him angry, he still thinks about him as Yuki’s precious kohai. He leaves the cup on the small table, next to Yamato’s phone and says something about going back to Mitsuki and that Yamato doesn’t have to worry about his flatmate, for now, that they are going to let him stay there until they figure out the situation. When he leaves the room, Yuki doesn’t really look at him but when he speaks, he’s clearly referring to Yamato.
«Since you were so quick to bring it up» he begins «maybe you shouldn’t let Mitsuki become your Banri.»

After that, Yamato feels like shit. Period.
Maybe accepting Yaotome’s invitation to have a meal and a drink together to catch up for the past weeks they both had work wasn’t his best idea. Yet the chance of some good beer and food with a friend had sounded better than moping around in his flat, becoming one with the sofa while eating soba and watching the TV. Especially when most of the commercials seem to feature Rokuya and, no offense, the model is the last person Yamato wants to see in high resolution. Now, though, his head spinning and an euphoric feeling are all that’s left for him there at the counter, Gaku sitting next to him and looking at him while Yamato just destroys his own reputation.
Not that it lasted long after he and Gaku became friends, anyway.
«So» Gaku takes a sip of his drink, pretending to be nonchalant about the matter «you had a fight with Izumi ani.»
«Who told you?!»
«You, at the third beer.»
«...What beer is now?»
«Fifth. Anyway» he doesn’t even worry about the fact they are both counting the time passing by beers and not hours «you fought after something you didn’t explain well, and then Yuki-san said something and you used blackmail material against him…? Oh, and you feel guilty too.»
«First of all!» Yamato starts, but stops as if he doesn’t really know what he was about to say «...It wasn’t blackmail material. More like stuff I know about his past.»
«Isn’t it black— oh well, whatever.» Yaotome surrenders with a sigh. If Yamato were sober, he would pity him. «And?»
«We fought» he doesn’t bother to specify he’s talking about Mitsuki now «because he confessed.»
«...He what?»
«He confessed and I said I could fall for him but that I didn’t want to.»
«You what?!» Gaku looks at him, confused and incredulous, as if expecting Yamato to say he’s joking. Sadly - and in a very drunk state - he’s not.
«I mean, isn’t it going to end in a bad way? What if we break up while still being flatmates? Also, he knows Rokuya. Like, Nagi Rokuya, man.»
«Nikaido I swear to God if you don’t stop calling me “man” immediately I’m going to leave your drunk ass in the Tokyo bay.»
«You suck as a friend.» Yamato complains, almost whines, the hold on his glass of beer tightened as if his life depends on it «But— what was I saying?»
«Rokuya.» Gaku offers.
«Yeah, Rokuya. Why someone who has him as a friend should like an ordinary person like me?»
«Maybe he has very poor taste, like you with your beer.»
Yamato stays quiet, to the point that Gaku considers the option of him falling asleep with open eyes or just losing consciousness like that - or did he say too much?
It’s a bit surprising when Nikaido starts speaking again like the pause was never there to begin with.
«Am I that bad?»
«I wonder. Sounds like you want to be that bad, to me.» he admits, leaving the glass alone to focus on the other one. It’s not like Yamato will remember everything so Gaku doesn’t think it makes sense to give him a serious, complex speech about the situation. Yet there is something he wants to ask, and something else he wants to be sure Yamato understands; as his friend, that is more or less the only thing he can do.
«I don’t know why you are so sure you two would end breaking up, to the point that you consider meaningless to even try to date him or that you are so scared at the idea of falling for him yourself. But you don’t hate him, right?»
Yamato nods, slowly and uncertain.
«You should think about it a bit more… when you are sober, maybe.»
«Because I know I’m not the kind of person who can do it.» Yamato admits, suddenly, so unexpected that Gaku doesn’t get it at all. And it must show on his face, or Nikaido must be drunk enough to be talkative.
«I am not the kind of person who can stay with someone and take it lightly when we part ways. I never was.» he keeps talking «So when I understood my last relationship was the perfect lie to just use a connection I had with someone else… I don’t remember well, now, but it was awful.»
Not that it’s hard to imagine. It would be awful for anyone, but Gaku doesn’t tell him, because he doesn’t want to interrupt; something tells him that is not all there is to the whole story.
«In the end I didn’t do anything to get some kind of revenge, but I wanted to. You know, when they say you feel full of horrible thoughts only?» Yamato chuckles while he says it, and that’s when Gaku understands three things clearly: first of all, this is not a conversation they should have when Nikaido is drunk. No matter how he would never tell him the whole story if he were sober, no, the point is exactly that Yamato wouldn’t so maybe it’s not something Gaku should hear about. Second, Nikaido must be one of those people who is not able to see a single good trait about themselves, not when it counts, at least and that is not a friend’s job to change for the better. It’s the kind of thing you should change for yourself, thoroughly and slowly, at your own pace because otherwise it won’t ever mean anything nor will last.
Third, he has to make a call but he can at least say something about the part he’s heard about until now.
«The fact that you didn’t get your revenge makes you a better person than you think, and just because someone was unfaithful to you… be it a lover, your family or a friend, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever meet someone who’s worthy enough to take the risk.»
Yamato drinks all the beer that’s left, puts the glass on the counter and sighs, his forehead on his arm, ready to pass out.
«You are a good guy, Yaotome.»
«Don’t worry, Nikaido» he assures «just this once I won’t remind you that you said it when you will sober up.»

When Yamato regains his consciousness, he almost expects to find himself at Gaku’s home; it wouldn’t be the first time - and, probably, not the last one - he stays over after drinking with Yaotome, after all, and the fact that he finds hard to recollect everything he did and said the night before is enough to know that he drank way too much for his own good. Instead, as he opens his eyes and goes blindly for his glasses, the small table on his left and the lamp he touches feel quite familiar in the way they are placed.
Then, he can finally see and he doesn’t need it to recognise the voice that speaks; he freezes up.
«You woke up.» it’s what Mitsuki says. Yamato looks up, at the door, and finds him there. No wonder the room felt familiar: it’s his. Musashi is the irrefutable proof, there in the corner, judge of all Yamato’s failures in years.
He wasn’t ready. He still has to sober up, he thinks. He doesn’t even know how he managed to come back in his own bed, let alone what happened to convince Mitsuki to come home. Yamato notices him go away, but it takes only a few moments to see him back and with a small tray in his hands. There are a cup with a hot drink - Yamato can smell the tea -, a pot and a paper bag that reminds him the one for medications. It makes him frown, but he stays quiet while Mitsuki puts the tray on the small table and then sits on the bed. He’s paying attention to not touch Yamato more than necessary, but his body language looks more nervous than angry.
«Yaotome called me last night.» Mitsuki breaks the ice, still not looking at him but taking the pot from the tray «He said you were so drunk you weren’t able to tell him where the keys of your flat were and that when he tried to help you enter in the taxi to take you to his home, he realised you had a fever.» he explains, exhausted voice while he puts the lid away, revealing some simple porridge inside the pot.
Yamato is trying to focus on the food in order to not look at Mitsuki for now, but he can’t help but be surprised: not by him not being able to tell Yaotome left from right, basically, that much is quite easy to imagine in his mind - with a lot of embarrassment on his part, of course. Yet, he didn’t notice about his physical condition at all. Even after Yuki and Momo visited and found him collapsed on the floor, just because it was Yuki the one who said he was covering for him at work, Yamato went on the set the day after and did his job seriously. He has not completely grasped his part yet, but at least he wasn’t absent, slowing down the whole crew. Probably the stress, the poor sleep, the overwork and the alchool as the last shot killed him and his body just gave up like that. Thus, the fever.
He’s not sure if he wants to thank Gaku for calling Mitsuki but, above all, he can’t get why Mitsuki accepted to go back. What could have Yaotome told him?
«I think the headache is mostly because of the beer.» he finally replies with something, even if not his smartest reply ever. «So the fever shouldn’t be too high.»
«It was.» small answers are the first thing that helps Yamato notice when Mitsuki is angry. Not that it was needed. «You just sweated a lot, so maybe for now you will be okay. Here. Eat something so that you can take your medication.»
«Hm.» Yamato nods - regretting his life choices when his head starts to hurt more - and takes the spoon in his hand, picking at the porridge before taking a whole bite of it; he blows on it a couple of times, and takes it to his mouth. It’s warm and good. He feels Mitsuki’s eyes on him, but… would an apology help? He wants to say he’s sorry because he is. On the other hand, though, Yamato knows that to say “I’m sorry”, means that he has to admit a lot of things: about his ex, the conflicting role Yuki has in his life (despite what Yamato thinks of it) and the complex relationship he has with Mitsuki - what he doesn’t want from it and what, instead, he truly wants…
«I can see the gears in your head moving, Yamato-san. Just stop.» Mitsuki blurts out and he looks and sounds so hurt Yamato feels his stomach closing up completely.  He tries to give him a small smile, but it doesn’t really work that well.
«You don’t need to say anything. I didn’t come here because I wanted something from you.»
«Mitsu—»
«I don’t want to listen to you.» he stops him and clenches his fists.
«I’m sorry, okay?» Yamato lets it slip through his lips before he can process what it means and what he’s admitting with that single sentence.
«And what are you sorry about?!» Mitsuki shouts, finally looking back at him, angry and hurt and unable to pretend he is not. Yamato decides it’s better to put the pot with the porridge away, before some of their movements - especially Mitsuki’s - makes it fly through the room.
Maybe at this point he should just tell him. Maybe Mitsuki deserves it.
«See?» Mitsuki says, exasperated «You tell me stuff and then you stop, and stay quiet like it’s a given that I will be able to understand as if I am a mind reader. I am not. I need you to speak and tell me what’s inside your head, because—»
«I am scared!» he shouts. It’s like being naked, totally exposed to someone who could easily kill you with a simple gesture. He hates the feeling and even Mitsuki didn’t expect that answer.
«...scared of what?»
«Breaking up. Fucking everything up. Making things worse, to end up hating each other.»
«We are not even—»
«I know.» Yamato replies, stressed and feeling so stupid. How can he explain something like that, so intimate, without telling the whole story? How can he make Mitsuki understand - not forgive him, just understand - without talking about Yuki and his father?
He can’t. That is the only truth.
«Yamato-san.» Mitsuki murmurs, his voice totally different from before, the anger almost disappeared, for now «When you said you could fall in love with me but that you didn’t want to… was it because—»
«Because after kissing you what else could I tell you to protect myself?»
It’s the first time he admits something so personal with someone else other than himself and, especially, with the person he is trying to protect himself from. He doesn’t dare to look at Mitsuki’s face or in Mitsuki’s eyes, it would be too much - it is too much to ask of him. It feels weird: it’s like a huge weight has been lift from his shoulders and his stomach, as if the simple yet unbearable act of breathing is suddenly so easy it makes him cry. At the same time, though, he feels so ashamed. How is he supposed to face Mitsuki and his judgement?
How do people manage to wear their hearts on their sleeves and survive to the instinct to protect themselves, no matter what?
«You are the worst.» Mitsuki’s voice reaches him with that simple, obvious sentence. Yamato’s stomach twists, his mind going blank and yet still full of unsettled thoughts, already cursing him and his poor judgement - it seems like his own mind is telling him “you never learn, do you?”

Then, totally unexpected, Mitsuki’s hand takes his: it’s not a really tight hold, nor all their fingers are intertwined; it’s a shy, insecure gesture but it’s there, it’s more than what Yamato would have dared to ask for and it feels incredibly warm and amazing. When he looks up, at Mitsuki’s face, he finds a smug smile.

«Nothing I didn’t know, anyway.» he adds.

That’s not what Yamato was expecting but it’s a good sign, isn't it?

«...what?»

«You don’t really think you have been able to only show your best traits without me noticing the rest for all this time, right?»

«So I do have good traits.»

«Shut up.»
It’s the first relaxed exchange after days of anger, silence and a bit of sadness, probably. Just being able to have this kind of conversation again seems incredible.
«I already told you that I think you are a coward.» Mitsuki speaks again - Yamato is pretty sure he has heard that word referred to him more in these past few days that in his whole life. But he deserves it, after all, so he doesn’t interrupt Mitsuki to deny it.
«I noticed that you never talk about your past, be it your childhood or just a bunch of years ago.» Mitsuki goes on «Every time I ask you about your day or Yuki-san you either say that everything is alright, even when it’s obviously not, or get all defensive and elusive. I understood that, probably, a lot of stuff happened with him and that you… suffered. I don’t know if it’s something related though.»
Yamato can’t say he’s not impressed because he is: he has always known that, to some extent, Mitsuki was the kind or person capable of more empathy than one could think - he’s a big brother, after all, he must be used to notice things -, but he would have never thought it was so easy to read him. Yamato was sure he was doing a great job at hiding things and put distance about some personal matters but maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he unconsciously let his guard down around Mitsuki, enough for him to understand.
Is it alright to stop pretending? Or, better said: how stupid would be to keep pretending when the cat is (almost) out of the bag? Even Yamato understands that this is the turning point, that Mitsuki just gave him a chance to redeem himself and that if he lies now, if he avoids him and hurts him one more time only to protect himself, then it will be the last time he will have Mitsuki in his life.
Isn’t that the worst case scenario he was trying to avoid so much?
«I… don’t want to talk about my father.» he says, implying that the problem with his childhood is not related to Yuki but lies in that man, in fact. Mitsuki looks at him, and after a few moments that feel like ages to Yamato, he simply nods.
«Okay.» he replies, and he’s not angry. Mitsuki’s voice sounds nothing but understanding, respectful of his choice to admit what he wants and what he doesn’t instead of running away. Yamato never thought there would be a day when he would feel appreciated just by admitting something so simple. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the fever, but the whole situation makes him feel unbelievably brave - as much as he does when he is drunk, maybe.
That’s why he dares himself more than usual. If he tells another small truth, will Mitsuki accept him more? Will Yamato feel better?
«Yuki and I» he begins, quiet voice and eyes on their hands «we met a long time ago. It’s not that we fought.» he admits, suddenly wordless after a single sentence. He doesn’t know why it is so hard to talk about the other actor, like there was some sort of trauma between them, one that was never there to begin with. Well, not because of something Yuki did, at least.
«...Never mind, it’s a stupid story.»
«Doesn’t sound like it.» Mitsuki points out, and Yamato frowns before even noticing it. Mitsuki’s thumb slowly starts to caress the back of his hand, trying to calm him down, probably, to make him feel… safe? Somehow it also makes Yamato feel nervous and nauseous.
«I don’t know if you remember… that when you told me about your ex crush I didn’t mention anything about mine or if I ever had one at all.» he forces himself - not because Mitsuki is being persistent about it, but because he knows he has to try harder. Mitsuki can’t be the only one to give something in their relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it will be after all this.
Yamato sees him nod, and breathes in and out.
«I thought it was because you and Yuki-san were in a relationship since ages.» Mitsuki admits. This time Yamato has no strength to joke about how the mental image gives him the chills.
«We were never together in that sense. I admit that when I met him for the first time, I thought he was really handsome… but if you knew him like I do, you wouldn’t be so fascinated. He’s the kind of person who seems cool but is not.» he reveals, a small snort that relaxes him a bit. He notices Mitsuki’s smiling, yet the fact that the other’s caresses haven’t stopped suggests that he knows there is still more to the whole thing.
«Anyway, we have a… complicated relationship.» Yamato admits because, really, he wouldn’t know how to describe it otherwise «I think… it wasn’t like this in the beginning. Maybe I sort of looked up to him, but at a certain point I didn’t anymore. Well, I still do when it comes to our job.» he adds, even if he would never tell Yuki. No reason to give the actor more weapons against him.
«Yamato-san» Mitsuki interrupts «it’s okay if you want to talk about Yuki-san, but has it something to do with your ex?» he urges him a bit - not that Yamato can’t understand him. Mitsuki has been way too patient, and he still lacks a reply from him, a true one.
Yamato sighs and starts to play with Mitsuki’s hand, to distract himself. It’s absurd how someone can feel really brave and then the worst coward immediately after.
«Is it okay if I don’t tell you the details?»
Mitsuki doesn’t reply immediately, but when he does it the hold on Yamato’s hand is definitely stronger; it helps him a bit.
«Maybe Mitsu doesn’t know how it is. When you talk about your brother and your family, or some of your friends like Rokuya, it always sounds like a good environment where you never needed to learn to not trust people.» when he says it, in that exact moment, Yamato can almost hear a barricade inside him crack. And then, suddenly and violently, the barricade is destroyed and a flow of words and feelings and memories erupts inside him and pours out.
There’s a disheartened smile on his lips, but he’s not conscious of it.
«People are untrustworthy.» Yamato blurts out, as if every single word is a drop of poison he kept inside for too long, resulting in a darkened, sick heart «And relationships don’t last most of the times, and if they do, they are rarely honest or without any lies. That’s the environment I was in, you can try to think about it as the stage of a neverending story: you are the protagonist, there are friends, and helpers and lovers but in the end almost all of them become your enemies. You never learn how to recognise them until the very end, so at some point as the protagonist who has to endure it and reach the end of that story you find your own countermeasures.» he keeps going, he vomits word after word.

«You lie. You pretend. You build a wall, let the others close the distance, you deceive them so that they think they know you but they don’t. The wall has to be invisible and has to feel as weak as if it isn’t there in the first place.»