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hakurenshiFandom: Bungou Stray Dogs
Prompt: // (m7 parte 1)
Parole: 9886
Rating: arancione
Pairing: Oda/Dazai (implicito e onesided)
Warnings: violenza esplicita (per quanto leggera), linguaggio colorito.
«Dazai-san» Atsushi’s voice sounds confused and Dazai surely can’t blame him for it. No matter how many years, there are people in their line of job that still can get surprised by some abilities they cross path with; considering how young Atsushi is, and who were the ability users he got to meet until now, there is no wondering that this is something he never expected or that could at least confuse him.
«How are we going to…?» he asks, eyes still on the person they managed to find.
Dazai stares at their figure: young, maybe even younger than Kyoka. Medium length, black hair tied in a braid, dark brown eyes, short height. She doesn’t look like someone who has it hard on the streets, but doesn’t look like someone with a family and a home to go back to either. They have been searching for her for days, at this point, it’s no wonder Atsushi can’t believe they ended up finding her in such a street, where people simply pass by, minding their own business without knowing about special abilities and what danger potentially waits for them.
The girl doesn’t seem to have ill intentions, but Dazai - as a matter of fact - prefers to not believe than believe and then be sorry for it.
«So, little girl» Dazai begins and focuses on her, Atsushi’s eyes now on him; yet what it’s truly unexpected is the change of expression on the girl’s face: she has been simply staring at them until now, but the eyes on Dazai are those of someone who finally recognises you. No matter how much he thinks about it, he is sure they never crossed paths before. «Were you looking for me?» he changes his question and waits.
She seems uncertain about the answer and in the end she shakes her head, slowly, and takes a step forward: «We met before» she says «and yet you don’t know me.»
It’s not a regretful sentence, she is not accusing him; in fact, it’s like she’s just stating the truth, something she can see clearly despite it being invisible to most of the people, Dazai included. For a moment, Dazai wonders if it’s something related to her ability - which is partly unknown, from the report he read at the Agency - and how to fight it if the situation arises.
She lets her gaze wander on her left, almost ignoring the two of them; when she looks back at him, as if she found something they couldn’t see, she says «I’m sorry» and «She doesn’t mean any harm.» and Dazai truly doesn’t know what to think of it. The only thing he hears is Atsushi calling him, a slight note of panic in his voice, and then all around him everything disappears.
It’s like floating into the void - how ironic, to think that this is what he would have wished for, in the past.
*
An unknown voice feels very close - too close - to him when his consciousness comes back. Dazai keeps his eyes closed, since it seems the people near him didn’t notice that he’s not asleep anymore.
«Are we sure it’s the same person?»
«Does it look to you like he’s someone else?» harsh reply, angry voice. Unfortunately, Dazai could recognise it everywhere and at this moment, it’s nothing to be happy about. An irritated “tch” is the only thing he hears before a simple «I’ll go and tell the boss. Keep him here.» and then a door is slammed and the silence is the only thing in the room. Yet Dazai knows there must be at least someone else to keep an eye on him. That voice, even though not unheard before, doesn’t ring a bell, which means it could be a nameless subordinate - but it doesn’t sound right: how could Chuuya think a simple guy can hold him hostage? Dazai can feel his wrists tied to the bed or whatever it is under him, but seriously? Too naive, even for Chuuya.
He decides to wait: the last thing he remembers is the small girl on the street, her enigmatic sentences, Atsushi’s voice calling him. Now he should be at the Port Mafia basement or something like that - there is not much humidity, so maybe the infirmary? - which brings up three basic questions.
First of all, was the girl related to the Port Mafia? If she was, it could be a trap set up by the organization, but it’s the less credible. The girl made quite a fuss in the city, enough for Ango to ask the Agency to take care of it, and the Port Mafia never liked those who disrupted the order in Yokohama and under their noses. No reason to make one of them do this. And this could lead to the question where is the girl? Who’s her boss? yet for now, Dazai decides to put them aside.
Second, where is Atsushi? The possibilities are very few: the best case scenario, he ran away when he realised Dazai lost consciousness in order to ask for help back at the Agency. Unfortunately, Dazai knows all too well that Atsushi would never leave him alone, unless the Mafia had made him unconscious too. Worst case scenario, in fact, Atsushi is somewhere in the same place as Dazai but - obviously - in a separate room.
Third, why the Port Mafia? If the girl is working under someone, of course that someone should have either killed Dazai or took him away, making his being there illogical. Also, why would the Port Mafia take him if they simply found him laying on the street—
The door opens, steps come inside, then the door closes once again. The first to speak must be the subordinate and the few words he says are enough informations, more than Dazai would have hoped for seconds ago.
«Boss!»
«Mmh… I must say, this person undoubtedly looks like Dazai-kun.» Mori’s voice comments, an amused shade in his tone «So, Chuuya-kun, you said someone found him on the street?»
«Near here.» Chuuya comments, still irritated even if he’s trying to not show it to Mori. Something - Dazai doesn’t exactly know what - feels weird.
«Very well.» Mori comments «Why not ask him directly?»
«Do you want to wake him up, Boss?»
«Oh, there is no need.» Mori says, the same amusement Dazai heard before still there «He is awake, in fact. Aren’t you, Dazai-kun?»
In a different situation he would laugh at it, but for now the only thing to do is stop pretending; after all, the moment he realised Mori was the one who entered the room, Dazai never thought he would be able to pretend any longer. So, as he hears Chuuya’s voice making an «aaah?!» Dazai opens his eyes and slowly tries to sit. Not very easy, when you are partly tied up.
Open eyes, though, are enough to notice what was the weird feeling he had only a few moments ago: the Mori Ougai who is looking at him with a satisfied smile on his face is younger, around the same age he was when Dazai still was in the Port Mafia.
Dazai lets his gaze wander again, goes past the subordinate who is a stranger to him, and stops on a younger Chuuya.
There is no mistake: Dazai has no idea about how this was made possible or when or why, but this is the past.
«Dazai-kun, let’s call you like this for now,» Mori stops his thoughts, taking a seat next to his bed «this is quite confusing and interesting at the same time. You are, obviously, older than what you should be. Mind to explain why?»
Mori Ougai can ask politely, yet Dazai knows better than most of the Port Mafia that the more courteous he is, the more lethal he can be if the answer doesn’t satisfy or convince him.
«Does Mori-san really not know?» he replies - emotionless, he says to himself, because back then he was never the kind of guy to particularly enjoy most of the conversations with people - «Certainly, having a special ability as much as me and with a timed bomb next to him, Mori-san doesn’t expect me to believe you haven’t already figured this out. Do you?»
«Ohi, you piece of trash!» Chuuya barks at him, already one step closer, when Mori stops him. The smile on his face never faltered, but Dazai knows that if he wants to act from now on until he will find a way to go back - or, well, forward - he will have to make it flawless.
«A special ability then. Whose?»
«A girl in a street. Never seen her before.» he admits. Mori seems like he’s pondering over his words and this gives Dazai enough time to consider the most important part of his lie before the man even asks. What’s the best lie? Pretend to be someone coming from the future, never telling all the truths he needs to hide to prevent chaos, or pretend to be still a younger version of himself, only physically aged?
The moment he decides, Mori speaks again.
«And who are you?» Mori asks, a sugared voice and smile «The Dazai-kun I know?»
«The one you will know in the future.» he says, because no matter how good his memory is, it would be too easy to say something wrong about an age he should know perfectly because he’s supposed to live it. Choosing the truth can help him to build the best of lies: he can still say he can’t tell them about things that would change the future, he’s excused for not remembering details perfectly and he can lie easily.
At least, this is the plan.
*
As expected, Mori-san probably didn’t believe him. Or, better said, he must think that half of what he said it’s true and half of it is not, which Dazai knows isn’t bad but can be problematic. Mori Ougai trusts people but never trusts them entirely - except for Elise, of course - and that’s why he succeeded to become the boss instead of many others who tried or who would have wanted it.
Anyway, for now Dazai can’t say this is going better than he thought it would: Mori-san gave him his old - actual - room, so he has a roof on his head, meals and doesn’t have to worry about going back and forth from the Port Mafia base. He can guess that what Mori-san has in mind, for now, is to observe him closely and what better chance than keep him there?
It’s convenient for him too, in a way: he still has to make sure Atsushi-kun isn’t there in order to decide if he has to worry about finding him - and figure out how to come back or why he was sent here in the first place. Three days have passed and Dazai still hasn’t left his room if not for meals, quick and at unusual times of the day.
There are a lot of things he needs to keep in mind, a lot of people he should avoid as much as he can, at least until he gathers more informations about the girl who sent him back. Fortunately one of the two people he has to avoid more is the one that is very happy to not have anything to do with him: Chuuya, for sure, will never ask to spend time together. What a fortunate event.
Yet, Dazai knows that this momentary peace will have to vanish soon: there is no chance Mori-san will leave him be, especially when he’s not convinced at all by what Dazai told him - not that Dazai can blame him. If a younger or older version of someone he knows came to him telling him “yes I’m from the future, don’t mind me, I will go back on my own sooner or later”, no matter how elaborate could the speech be, he would not be reassured at all.
When a knock interrupts his trail of thoughts, Dazai knows the peace ends here and now.
The door opens before he can say anything, Chuuya appearing at the doorstep, crossed arms against his body: «Ohi, you piece of trash.» he calls him, obviously not happy to be there «The boss wants to see both of us.»
That’s it, Dazai thinks. Mori-san is going to send them somewhere on a mission: the best way to make sure to a certain extent where Dazai’s loyalty is placed and how many lies he has told until now.
«Don’t be so happy.» he replies, provocative, as he stands up and moves to join him. He may pretend to be a Dazai who will still be with the Port Mafia in the future, which is a pain, but fortunately his relationship with Nakahara Chuuya has never been made of sweet words and kind gestures.
*
Dazai keeps reading the small report Mori gave them, eyes glued to the paper sheets. Apparently, someone in Yokohama spread the rumor that on certain conditions whoever wishes for people to disappear can not only ask for it but can obtain it. And what made the Port Mafia give attention to something that sounds like the typical job the Detective Agency would take, is that a couple of their members are now miss in action. No matter how much Dazai tried to think about it, he’s pretty sure that this was never mentioned to him in the past, nor he did take part to said mission. It could be that back then, since Mori didn’t have any reason to distrust him or to make sure Dazai was really Dazai, the mission was given to someone else; hopefully this will be a minor change that won’t influence the future.
«Have you finished reading or do you plan on consuming paper by reading it over and over again?» Chuuya’s asks, a scornful look on his face. They are sitting across each other while the car takes them to the place Mori-san asked them to investigate first. Dazai would love to make fun of this younger Chuuya in the same way he does with his older self, yet he knows that right now Chuuya is nothing more than the watchdog Mori-san chose for him. The slightest doubt he raises in Nakahara, the closest he will be to a lot of problems he doesn’t need to add to those he already has.
In the end, this is like tuning himself on the same wavelength he had back when he was how old, seventeen? Eighteen?
«Let the adults do their work, Chuuya-kun. How old are you, now, thirteen?»
«YOU PIECE OF SHIT I’M SEVENTEEN.»
Thank you very much for being so quick-tempered and giving me informations without me asking directly, it’s the thought that crosses Dazai’s mind as he tries to remember everything useful about those years.
«Anyway» Dazai says as if Chuuya isn’t boiling out of rage «who was in charge of gathering intel?»
«Ah? One of your subordinates? Ask the Boss if you want to- »
«Were my subordinates this sloppy? That’s troubling. At least we got better in the future.» he says, raising his gaze on Chuuya and doing his very best to be the intimidating, cold-blooded Executive he used to be. Chuuya must be sensing something is off, because he keeps quiet for a few seconds before speaking again.
«Not thanks to you, I’m sure. What’s bad about the informations, anyway?»
«I’ll read and summarize them for you.» Dazai replies as he lowers his gaze and goes back to the paper sheet in his hands «October 5th, the first person disappeared. Not related to the Port Mafia, yet the last place he was seen at is very close to us. October 9th, the second person - literally - “has vanished in front of their own brother”. Again, unrelated to the Port Mafia, different location, not too far but not too close either. The witness declared he didn’t see anyone else other than them. October 14th, the third case. This time it’s a member of our guerilla squad, someone known for their ability in the hand-to-hand combat and with some white weapons. No witnesses, he simply raised some doubts when he didn’t come back and, since nobody managed to get in touch with him, he is now considered the first of our victims. Another civilian on October 16th and the last one, the second missing member of the Port Mafia, on the 19th.» he finishes reading and finally looks at Chuuya who surprisingly kept silent until now, even if he is frowning and probably wants to say “so what?!”.
Dazai waits, but when it’s obvious that Chuuya is really trying his best to wait for the rest of his theory, he puts the paper sheets away, next to him. He would really appreciate Ranpo’s presence right now.
«There are two fatal flaws here.» he says and looks at Chuuya as if expecting him to explain those said flaws to him; Chuuya struggles and it’s obvious his patience is at its limits. Dazai knows that what they don’t need right now is Chuuya exploding.
«First of all, whoever it is who is causing this, they know the city and move pretty fast and undisturbed, which means that it must be someone who doesn’t stand out, someone who walks next you without you paying them any mind. The locations are not too far away in general, but if the culprit is close to all of them, maybe it should be someone who lives in the area. How come nobody tried to look for it after the second case?» it’s a rhetorical question, of course, but by the way Chuuya is tapping his foot on the ground Dazai knows that he should keep it shorter than this. Nakahara has never been a man of thought and, above all, when they were younger it was Dazai’s role to be the mind.
«Second» he mimics with his hand, two fingers raised «so many cases in less than a month, unrelated victims, how did you not find out before it got out of hand?»
«Will you stop to play the fucking detective or not?»
Geez, Dazai says to himself, this was close.
«Because of an ability. Something that doesn’t leave a trace, like yours does, and can’t be sensed by those who have the ability to do so. Now, Chuuya-kun, this adult will offer you a possible solution.»
«I swear to God, Dazai, the moment we are outside of this car I’ll-»
«Yes, yes. Keep your passionate approach for another time and, possibly, for another person.» he can sense Chuuya losing it and ready to use his ability even before he realises himself, so Dazai moves quickly and grabs his wrist, “No longer human” activated «As I was saying» he keeps talking as if nothing happened «it could be a psychic ability. There is a chance that this person asked or told the victims to go somewhere else.»
Chuuya, whose hand was trembling because of rage, looks at him and for the first time Dazai knows he is seriously thinking about what he just told him.
«You mean they manipulated their minds?»
«It’s a possibility anyway. With such a report there is nothing more I can figure out anyway. That’s why I told you it was poorly done.» Dazai replies as he lets go of Chuuya and crosses his arms against his own body, looking outside. They should almost be at the last location, so he takes a few moments to rest; he feels Chuuya’s gaze on him but decides to ignore it.
Mori-san surely gave him an awful job to do while figuring out how to go back to his own time.
*
«And this is all.» Dazai finishes reporting to Mori as per his request, neutral tone and not much of an expression on his face. The smile on Mori’s lips is the one he is accustomed to, so the next thing that comes out of his mouth is not surprising.
«Well done.» he says first «Yet, is there something you are dissatisfied with, Dazai-kun?»
Dazai knows that the question is not casual at all. It wouldn’t even be shocking if Mori-san were about to say he gave him an awful report only to see if, as the “true Dazai”, he would notice and be irritated by it. For sure, back then, Dazai would have never accepted something like this and he would have disciplined the one who wrote said report.
«I have to admit it was surprising to see that a report like this is considered acceptable.» he chooses his words carefully, minds every gesture, makes sure to not show almost anything on his face if not a vague irritation «But you don’t need to concern yourself with it, Mori-san. I can manage this by myself once we finish talking.» he assures.
Mori looks pleased with his answer and nods slightly before giving a signal to his men; they disappear somewhere and after a few seconds, they come back with someone else. It’s a man Dazai doesn’t recognise, obviously a subordinate, a small fly who maybe was once under his command, Dazai can’t remember at all. Not a surprise, since he never really paid attention to those who gave him the impression of not being beneficial while he made the effort to remember those who were potentially useful. The man is not that old, maybe just a couple of years older than him now; yet the anxiousness and fear are both painfully written on his face. Dazai can guess that, even if he’s not his direct subordinate, he must know how usually Dazai deals with someone who doesn’t satisfy him.
The man swallows and keeps quiet, doesn’t move more than necessary. Dazai gets what this is - another trial, another chance to fail with his supposed lie. In Mori-san’s mind, surely, if he still is the same Port Mafia member he used to be, then his methods must not differ very much. So what the boss is waiting for is to notice something in Dazai’s behaviour that can betray him.
Dazai doesn’t look at Mori, but focuses on the man instead.
«I took the liberty to call the man who was in charge of writing the report, Dazai-kun.» Mori tells him, almost casually. There is nothing casual about this.
Dazai nods, takes a few steps ahead; he focuses on the man, not much emotions on his face, almost none in fact: «Were you on every location on the report?»
«I was, sir.»
«Let me ask, then» Dazai doesn’t need to look at the papers to know what to question him about «did you notice, at some point, that the area of all those locations was the same no matter if they were all close or far from each other?»
«I did, sir, but-»
A kick hits him straight in the stomach. The man’s breath stops abruptly and he bends, arms covering where he got beat, face down to the floor. Dazai overtops him, quietly.
«And, of course, you didn’t think about sharing your doubts with others, you simply did your job as asked and now evidences we could have gathered are gone.»
«I… apologise—»
Another kick, on the side this time.
«I did not give you the permission to speak and little I do with your apology.»
Dazai hears a small, soft chuckle coming from Mori, but he doesn’t look back at him; the man on the floor just coughed blood and is trying his best to raise his gaze, at least. Dazai sighs, annoyed: «Take him back.» he simply orders to the two who brought him inside the room and then stops paying them attention.
The moment they are outside, Mori speaks; when Dazai looks at him, he notices his satisfied yet challenging smile: «You never disappoint me, Dazai-kun.»
Dazai nods, again, and moves in order to reach the door and go back to his room. His hand his already on the door handle when Mori’s voice fills the room one last time.
«Dazai-kun?»
Dazai turns his head enough to look at him.
«I asked someone to leave a change of clothes in your room.» he says happily «Get rid of that coat, yeah? Light colors don’t suit a Port Mafia executive member.»
His eyes are not smiling at all.
*
What Dazai doesn’t expect at all is a phone ringing in his room, especially because it’s not his own - or better said, it was, he realises when he looks around and find the phone on the small table next to his bed; once he gets close enough he can easily see the screen: Ango is written on it.
Dazai takes the phone, waits for a second and then answers the call.
«I thought you disappeared.» it’s the first thing Ango’s voice says into his ear.
«I was busy.»
«I don’t want to know.» Ango cuts him, a sentence that used to mean “if I know then I will have to pretend I don’t”, which makes Dazai smile a little, even if not exactly out of pure joy «So, is this Thursday confirmed?»
Dazai has a moment of confusion: did they use to do something special on Thursdays? Was there something in particular they did on that Thursday? No matter how fast he tries to think, Dazai really has no idea about this. Should he admit or should he pretend and then try to figure out? Something tells him that if he does the wrong thing, Ango could be one of the few people able to figure out his lie or at least part of it.
Unexpectedly, Ango forestalls him «Don’t tell me is Odasaku-san the one who can’t come.»
Dazai keeps quiet for enough time that Ango, on the other side of the call, can’t help but speak again to ask if he’s still there.
«Yes, I am.» he replies at some point «I think Odasaku can. I’ll let you know later.» and without waiting for another word from Ango, Dazai closes the call.
He doesn’t know why he didn’t immediately think about such an obvious problem once he got to know how old Chuuya was and, consequently, how far in the past he had been sent. A seventeen years old Chuuya means a seventeen years old Dazai and when his best friend - his only friend - died, Dazai was eighteen.
Odasaku is alive. He never thought he would be able to say that sentence, not even in his mind, ever again.
Dazai looks at the small calendar on the wall of the room: October 24th.
So that’s what Ango was referring too: in two days, it will be Odasaku’s birthday.
*
October 25th and Dazai has too many problems and very few solutions. The good thing is that he was able to make sure Atsushi is not there with him, which means that he could have told about his disappearance to the Agency and he’s sure Ranpo is already working on it.
The worst issues, though, are that Mori is still testing him and dropping questions here and there to get a glimpse of the future Dazai absolutely needs to hide and that Dazai still hasn’t made much progress with his own investigation about how to go back.
He looks at the phone on the small table, conscious about the fact that Ango is still waiting for him to confirm whatever plan they have for Odasaku’s birthday - truth to be told, Dazai is pretty sure this is all about going to the bar Lupin and spend time there as usual, because in his memories there is no trace of a great party. Yet the question is: should he make it happen? It’s not like the thought of wanting to change the things never crossed his mind (it did, oh if it did) but not like this, not without a plan and above all not when he doesn’t even know for how long he will be there.
With the very few things he knows, he could change the wrong event and make it worse, if possible.
So if he still goes at that birthday celebration, it means Odasaku will be there and no matter how much he knows about an adult Dazai being there - he supposes it still hasn’t reached his ear, because Odasaku would already be there to knock at his door, otherwise.
To lie to Mori’s is one thing; to Chuuya, he doesn’t even have to pretend to be someone else.
But how do you lie to the person who was able to know how much darkness you had within you and still had hopes for you when nobody else did?
Dazai still does not have the answer when a knock on the door brings him back to reality; he looks in that direction, as if daring the door itself to betray him by opening by itself. Clearly illogical.
«Dazai? Are you in?»
Odasaku’s voice calls for him and Dazai hates the wave of happiness he feels, especially because the despair will only taunt him even more now. He wishes he wasn’t in that room, in that building, in that time.
Part of him wishes Odasaku wasn’t either.
*
They have been sitting on the bed, a few inches from each other, for ten minutes straight at this point and they haven’t spoken a word yet. Dazai can easily imagine what’s going on in Osadaku’s mind. Someone must have told him that Dazai came back but that he was not the Dazai he is used to and, of course, Odasaku had to check it with his own eyes.
Now there they are, close and yet far somehow. Dazai’s mind is going so fast he isn’t really sure which thought he should focus on first, but when Odasaku speaks suddenly his mind goes blank all together.
«Are you really the Dazai from the future?» he asks the most basic question, in the end; it almost makes Dazai laugh.
«I am.»
«Not our Dazai but just physically older?»
«No, I’m a different one.»
It’s not a lie, after all. “Their” Dazai is who knows where - he could dare to bet on his time, because at this point it’s hard to think that two versions of the same person can exist in the same moment. Also, they would have crossed paths by now, instead they not only didn’t, but from what Dazai heard he simply was where the other Dazai was supposed to be.
«Do you think the Dazai of this time is okay?»
This is so Odasaku-like: be worried about others, especially those he considers friends, and not even suspecting the person in front of him could be lying only because it’s somehow the same friend he is concerned about.
«I suppose he is, otherwise I should not exist at all. Theoretically, at least.»
«Mh.»
How did he use to talk to Odasaku? Dazai never, never forgot anything about him but, despite this, the situation is so unnatural that it’s like he has never really talked to him before. Like a fuzzy memory that he can’t recall no matter how hard he tries to. After all, how can you pretend everything is okay and that you never changed when the reason of your change, the person whose life literally turned yours into something completely different, is in front of you? When they have been nothing but a ghost, a never ending regret, the thing you want to fix at all costs?
He is the person Dazai wishes to save more than anybody else, even more than himself, because he thought and still thinks that if the world deserves someone that someone has to be Odasaku, not him. Yet Odasaku died, and he survived, and Dazai knows - because it’s been years - that he was never able to express even half of the things he should have told him. This is a second chance he tried to grasp so many times and that was suddenly, brutally thrown at him and he doesn’t know how to hold it, or for how long he will be able to.
«Ango called me.» Odasaku changes the topic, as if there is nothing more he wants to ask about him. That is also like him, almost not a single feeling showing on his face when there is a storm inside him «He said you gave him an off feeling on the phone, yesterday.»
«I’m still not sure if Ango should see the me right now.»
That’s half true. Dazai still doesn’t know what’s the better answer to the question regarding how much the future should be changed - what could be more dangerous, Ango getting to know that in the future Dazai is still with the Port Mafia (no matter if it’s not true) or Odasaku being somewhere else when he should be at bar Lupin with them?
«Ango would keep the secret.» Odasaku tells him, looking at him as if he can’t completely grasp the reason why Dazai feels so conflicted about this when Ango is a friend who would do anything to honour their friendship.
That’s a laughable thought and Dazai allows himself that small fall of his façade; he chuckles, without making any eye contact.
«You are right, Odasaku. Ango would keep the secret, no matter what it is.»
It sounds way more salty and sarcastic than he intended it to be, so it wouldn’t be surprising if Odasaku noticed something is obviously off. But the older man simply looks at him without asking anything so, at some point, Dazai stands up and reaches for his phone - now that he thinks about it, why would his other self go out without the phone he uses for work?
He texts Ango about Thursday, a brief message just to confirm their plan for Odasaku’s birthday. Who knows if a year before Odasaku’s death Ango was already involved? That is something Dazai will probably understand if they meet.
«Dazai» Odasaku is standing too, now, but doesn’t close the distance between them, which is something Dazai always appreciated. There was never a sense of unwanted closeness with him, because Odasaku was also the kind of man able to feel when other people felt uncomfortable and instead of asking them the reason why or impose his own view on them, Odasaku always managed to balance himself.
Yet Dazai knows that tone. This is not going to be funny at all.
«What is it, Odasaku?»
«Is there a reason why you locked up yourself in this room?»
Dazai could point out that he actually went outside for a mission and with Chuuya, nonetheless, or that he kicked someone he barely knew - which is something Odasaku never really could agree to - only to protect his real identity, but that would be pointless and it would also lead to a lot of questions Dazai can’t answer to.
So he turns enough to look at Odasaku and gives him a small smile that doesn’t say anything and, above all, doesn’t reach his eyes; it couldn’t be more fake and more similar to who Dazai used to be.
«Don’t be late for your birthday party tomorrow, Odasaku.»
*
The thing Dazai has always appreciated about meeting at bar Lupin is how he, the youngest executive of the Port Mafia, was able to meet with Odasaku and Ango with the certainty nobody would bother them or try to eavesdrop their conversations; not even the barman would particularly mind them, so Dazai feels like it’s safe enough to show himself there even when he is supposed to be five years younger. Hopefully, the barman will not notice.
Of course Ango almost drops his glass when, already seated at the counter, he sees both Dazai and Odasaku coming inside. It’s true that Dazai is not much different in terms of presence - after Mori-san politely advised him to change his clothes, Dazai knows he’s the spitting image of his past self, minus the bandage on one of his eyes - but he can get what must be Ango’s point right now.
No matter how similar, after all, Dazai being older than what Ango expected is a fact.
«...This is not what I expected.» he says, barely keeping the panic for himself probably. Now, it would be funny to ask if his worry is due to the situation per se or if his panicking is because who knows if a Dazai from the future distrusts him?
«I get that a lot.» Dazai replies, though, and sits down next to him; Odasaku takes the other seat and this moment is so familiar it’s almost comfortable. It’s like everything finally fell into place: the three of them, at their usual spot, drinking and chatting as if everything can be left outside. If things went differently, would this be his future too other than his past? Meeting when Ango is not overwhelmed by piles and piles of work, when Odasaku is not busy with his orphans; who knows, maybe one day they would have met to celebrate Odasaku becoming a writer.
«Dazai, aren't you ordering?» Odasaku's voice distracts him and Dazai goes back to reality.
He smiles, yet he knows that probably that can be nothing more than an enigmatic expression to the other two. Yet he raises his hand and speaks only to give the barman a brief order «Whiskey» he says and once the drink is in front of him he takes him, moves the glass slightly to make the ice inside hit the border. Then he turns to Ango first and Odasaku after, raises the drink enough to make a toast.
«So, Odasaku, happy birthday.» Dazai offers, waiting for the both of them to join him. He knows that none of them is convinced by his behaviour, yet they both raise their glasses and say «Cheers!»
The silence between them as they drink is not as comfortable as it used to be in Dazai's memory, but better than it could have been if all the three of them knew this was going to be the last birthday together. Dazai doesn't do anything to stop that fragile balance between them - he doesn't even ask Ango if he has informations about rare accidents or peculiar people or very young girls who are making him go through all this, and not only because somehow it's an unwritten rule, at least during the celebration of a friend, but also because even if he can accepts Ango knowing he switched places with his younger self, Dazai for sure doesn't want him to start asking about the future.
Too many dangers, too many chances to say the wrong thing and, above all, too many risks about losing it.
«So, you are older.» Ango says, as expected «You didn't mention it on the phone.» he adds, but towards Odasaku. The man doesn't look like he feels particularly guilty and, after one big gulp, he simply shakes his head a little bit: «I hadn't met him yet and wasn't sure. Also, I thought you would have seen it with your eyes anyway.»
Dazai knows that it's mostly the truth, but Odasaku must have thought about him and his feelings too; even if an older Dazai was there, Odasaku didn't want to take for granted that their relationship would be the exact same and that the Dazai from the future was going to meet them and ask for their help.
It makes Dazai chuckles: after all, he wasn't the kind of person who would ask for help not even in the past, let alone now, especially coming from the future. Well, a part of him has somehow changed enough to not be stubborn and collaborate with others, thanks to the Agency.
He still thinks that Odasaku would have loved the Agency, as much as he's sure that if the Ango of the past - the one in front of him now - gets to know from him that there will be a day when Dazai will coexist with other people without being cruel towards them, he will never believe it and he would ask if it's some kind of silly joke instead.
«And do you know how long are you going to be here?» Ango is talking to him again, glass still in his hand and an inscrutable expression as he looks at him. Dazai doesn't make eye contact immediately, but takes his time, gazing at the drink inside his glass. He puts it on the counter, his index finger brushing against its edge.
«Who knows, it depends.» he admits, an amused voice that makes Ango frown. It must sound weird, to hear him being so uninterested about his own fate - and, at the same time, isn't this what Ango should be used to? A Dazai who doesn't care about his life at all?
Maybe that is exactly what Ango is thinking about: how can future be so similar to the past, if in some years Dazai will still be the same person who hopes to die and struggles to live? For sure, right now, in Ango's eyes Dazai must be the same seventeen years old he sees often at that bar, only a bit taller and with a few different details in his image.
He almost wants to ask him what can you see, Ango? How much can you sense and how much I can still hide?, yet he doesn't.
He smiles, though, when he finally turns to look at him: «I'm working on it.» Dazai adds to his so-called explanation.
It would be great if the future was not so different from the past, but...
«You know, Ango» Dazai speaks, attention shifted to his drink again «there were less luxuries allowed than I expected.»
*
What happens next is out of pure luck.
Dazai just bid farewell to Ango and is walking back to the Port Mafia base, Odasaku a couple of steps behind him, as if he wants the chance to observe him in order to understand what is wrong with him - because of course Odasaku doesn't believe that Dazai is simply being himself and has to spoil him by not asking directly.
The streets are still so familiar, despite five years have passed for him and something in his reality slightly changed, that Dazai barely needs to check where he is going or at which intersection he's taking a turn. So when he stops without notice, Odasaku almost ends up against him and can't help but speak with a confused voice «What's wrong?»
Dazai is looking in front of him: a small girl, even younger than the one he saw with Atsushi before this whole mess happened, is standing in the middle of the street. It's not a main one, on the contrary is the kind of street where a kid should not go alone, unless they are... orphans without a place to go back to. Dazai decides to observe calmly for a few seconds, enough to recognise her face, even if with more childish features. Her clothes may be different, but she is definitely the same person. And, just to prove him right, the child looks like she recognised him too and that must be why she starts running away the moment Dazai takes one step towards her. He is ready to follow her when a hand stops him, holding his shoulder, and Odasaku's voice calls him louder: «Dazai!»
It's too late to try and catch her: she already turned the corner and Dazai knows that what waits for him behind it is a tangled net of alleys.
He sighs and turns to Odasaku; he surely doesn't need to speak, he's confident that the older man realises that he is waiting for an explanation. His hand lets go of him, but his eyes tell Dazai that he's ready to stop him again if he keeps that weird behaviour.
«What are doing? Your face is terrible, what were you about to do to the child?»
Odasaku has always been the kind of guy who would ask, before judging you, no matter how people had obviously ill intentions or how clear their purpose was, he would still ask and wait for the reply to decide what to do in response. Dazai used to admire it, maybe he was even envious of something he would have never been able to do - trust people, no matter how risky it was. A tiny part of him tells him and this is why you are alive and Odasaku isn't, but he silences it.
Still, he feels irritated. That was the first contact with the person who brought them there and that, probably, is the only one who will be able to send him back and yet…
«The child» Dazai stresses the word on purpose «is probably the one responsible for my being here and even the culprit of all the disappearances of this month.»
Odasaku is surprised, that much is clear; not even him can completely hide his emotions now and Dazai is still used to read them on his face - to think that something that was only a memory until days ago would now feel so strongly imprinted into his mind is almost painful. This is not how it was supposed to be, this is not how Dazai wanted to go back and make things better. Not with the uncertainty of what will happen if he is thrown back to his reality as suddenly as he was brought here; not without a plan, without knowing what exactly he should change and what should be kept as it is. He was not ready to see Odasaku alive again and he is not in the mood to be genuinely happy about it.
Because it's only now, but after this? What should someone do after getting used to someone they already lost once and that they will soon lose for a second time?
«You could have told me.» it's not an accusation, but to Dazai it sounds exactly like that, no matter how rationally he tries to listen to him «I will help you to look for her. She's so young she will surely be around this area.» he offers, calm voice and best intentions.
«You will not.»
«Dazai...»
«You will not Odasaku. Knowing you, the moment she starts shedding tears you will feel sorry for her and you will just be in the way.»
«Why, are you planning to do anything to her? You only need to ask her to send you back.»
«Of course, why didn't I think about it? Asking a girl who is how old, maybe five or six years old?, to send me back with the ability she probably uses unconsciously. No side effects for sure, this is going to be child's game.»
Dazai knows that he is not being fair but, after all, Odasaku isn't either. The situation is already a mess, Mori will observe him all the time until he stays there and what's worse is that the more Dazai gets used to being in a world where Odasaku is still alive, the more he will be tempted to do everything he can to avoid his death, which means convince him to do things differently, it means to protect the orphans he cares for, it means to stop Ango before it's too late.
It means to destroy everything to save only one thing and despite Dazai wouldn't hesitate one second to send the universe to hell only to save Odasaku, he still can't. Not like this. So he doesn't want to hear from Odasaku, of all people, that he will help.
Dazai doesn't need help, he needs a miracle. And miracles don't happen because of one's faith, they do because someone makes them.
«Dazai, you know that-»
«Yes, I know.» he hisses and starts walking again towards the Port Mafia base. When he passes next to Odasaku, he pretends to be calm «I will think about it and let you know.» he tells him absentmindedly and moves quicker, ignoring Odasaku's gaze on him.
He doesn't see Odasaku's face, so he misses his expression; if he could see it, Dazai would recognise it immediately: that is the look Odasaku had when they almost fought, just a little bit before he died, and he called Dazai only to have to look at his back as he walked away without a second thought.
What Dazai can think about is: has Odasaku ever showed him a disappointed expression?
Maybe not. Maybe he simply does not remember. But this doesn't change that there are many things Odasaku ignores that Dazai would like to have the choice to ignore too.
But he can't.
*
«So what you are saying, Dazai-kun, is that you probably found out who the culprit is and you want complete authority over the operation.»
Mori doesn't look pissed off by his request and that much was expected; he should have no issues about giving Dazai important missions or enough space to move however he finds appropriate to the task at hand. All Dazai needs to do now is wait for his reply - hopefully the one he expects from the Mori-san of his past - and then he will be able to go searching for the girl, alone, ask the few questions he has and then disappear.
«Mind to share your thoughts, Dazai-kun?» Mori pushes him a little, smile on his lips and an amused expression; of course he wants to know the details. Dazai doesn't mind to give him most of them anyway, this is not really going to change much for him.
«All the disappearances are in an area and the Port Mafia base is included in said area.» he starts explaining, almost bored «The two things that seemed off in the beginning were how everyone simply vanished, as the only witnessed we interrogated told us, and the fact that the area was too large to cover by someone who doesn't live here but at the same time it seemed impossible to think that someone who actually can be seen often around here, and could be the culprit, was never noticed.»
Mori nods and waits for him to keep explaining. Chuuya is five or six feets behind him, sighing loudly without trying to sound less annoyed than he is; Odasaku too is behind him and frankly speaking Dazai doesn't need to focus on that.
«So I thought to change prospective.»
«What the hell does it mean?!»
«Chuuya-kun, let him finish. I'm quite interested.» Mori stops Chuuya with nothing but a small gesture of the hand and Dazai just keeps talking: «If the person has not much presence it would be pointless to look for them since it's supposed to be hard to notice. So I wondered: how can a person hide someone, make it seem like they vanished and keep hiding them when we already looked around? If people were kept somewhere, we would have found them by now.»
This is not entirely true, Dazai never changed point of view, but he can't exactly say that he just happened to find that girl and understand what is probably going on. So, he has to pretend he analysed everything.
«And then I remembered something I noticed the first time I was in my room in this building: my phone on the small table.»
«Oh?»
Mori looks very interested, at this point, almost entertained. Dazai thinks that he must already have reached his same conclusion, but he keeps talking nonetheless.
«The phone that belongs to my younger self was there. The phone per se is not important» or well, it is but for other considerations he isn't going to share «but isn't my younger self the same as those victims? He suddenly disappeared. The only difference is that I was sent here.»
«So what?! How does it change the fact we still have missing people and no culprit?!» Chuuya barks at him, unable to stop himself; Mori doesn't reprimand him, but only chuckles at their exchange.
Dazai looks over his shoulder at Chuuya, shakes his head and sighs, without a proper reply.
«Say, Chuuya-kun. What does my younger self have that other victims have not?» he tries, just to make it more believable. Him making fun of Chuuya, after all, is not suspicious no matter at what age it happens.
«Ah!? Apart from the fact that karma hates us enough to give us an older version of your asshole self?»
«Exactly that.» Dazai hums, totally faking his happiness for this unexpected development «They disappeared because in the future they don't have someone that can take their place. They didn't vanished, they should have swapped places with their older selves but they couldn't.»
«Why is-» Chuuya begins but stops by himself, probably because he understood while he was still in the middle of the sentence. Dazai and Mori look at each other and they don't need to say anything else.
Yet the show must go on until the end.
«They couldn't because, in the future, they are dead so they don’t exist and, for sure, they can’t come here.»
The silence fills the whole room. All the people there must have their thoughts, all different from one another; personally, the only thing Dazai hopes for is Mori-san giving him the final okay to do what he needs to do. Accordingly to the plan, this should be easy once Mori is on his side: he finds the girl, asks her to bring him back and everything will be back to normal.
Mori finally nods, his face half hidden behind his hands, fingers slightly intertwined.
«Very good, Dazai-kun.» he says «You really exceed all my expectations, no matter what version of you is in front of me.»
Dazai could read a lot of meanings behind those words, but chooses to ignore them; he acknowledges Mori's sentence and implied permission with a small nod and then moves to reach the door and exit the room. He sees, out of the corner of his eye, Odasaku taking a step forward probably to follow him outside and ask him what he plans to do with the girl. Dazai momentarily ignores him - if there is a fatal flaw in all this, something that could definitely give his true identity away to Mori, is the fact that the hardest thing to do for him is behaving like having Odasaku alive in front of him is natural and not something he longed for until now.
When he's about to open the door, Mori stops him as if this is a habit he can't get rid of: «Dazai-kun, I only have a last question, if you don't mind.»
Dazai keeps a sigh to himself and looks at the man, waiting; the way Mori smiles at him, not a hint of joy in his eyes, is bad news even before he actually speaks.
«On which side are you, in the future? The Port Mafia?»
Dazai knew this would happen, he was conscious that the hardest person to deceive would be no one else but Mori. Yet, not his past self nor the man he is now have never been fond of people trying to know all his secrets. So he smiles in the same way Mori did - he can see, even if only for a second before focusing on the mafia boss, that Chuuya noticed his expression, recognised it and that he doesn't like what he sees.
«What does Mori-san think?» Dazai asks back, a question instead of an answer «Would Mori-san really allow me to move around freely if you thought I will be an hindrance in the future?»
Mori chuckles softly and doesn't say anything more.
*
Odasaku stays in front of the door, uncertain about knocking or not.
Since the meeting with Mori, Dazai has barely spoken to him if not for a few words while going back to his room and then Odasaku let him be, gave him the space he knows Dazai needs sometimes, no matter how much he thinks that something is undoubtedly wrong.
It's a vague feeling and yet it never went away since the moment Odasaku saw that older Dazai. No matter how similar to the younger Dazai his clothes are, or how much his behaviour reminds Odasaku of the same person he considers his best friend, there is still something that bothers him. When they found the girl accidentally, Odasaku was not really surprised by Dazai's actions - if anything, what gave him an odd feeling was the conversation immediately after. It's like there is something in Dazai's mind, something even more unfathomable than usual, a darkness so deep that most of the people would instinctively run away from it. For Odasaku it's not easy to try to close the distance instead of fearing it, yet he tries, and tries, because somehow he is sure that the moment he will give up Dazai will vanish for sure and not physically, not because of some weird ability.
Maybe what Odasaku thinks is Dazai's heart would be lost, and that is the only thing he would never forgive, especially if it was going to happen because of him.
Yet, Dazai is hard to understand, hard to "manage"; there are only a few right answers, with him, and endless mistakes one could make. Even now, as he looks at the door with his hand still in mid-air, Odasaku has no right options to offer or to pick.
In the end, though, he knocks - because a lot of people would not, so he has to.
«Dazai?»
Silence comes from the other side of the door and it stays like that for minutes.
«Dazai?» he tries again, and still no answers. He moves his hand, puts it on the door handle and tries to lower it, just a little to be sure that everything is okay. Not very much like him, but when your best friend is a young boy that mentions way too much how living is something that doesn't bring him any joy at all, something almost mysterious to him, you learn to be a bit more of a busybody.
The room happens to be empty, no trace of Dazai anywhere, but the first thing Odasaku notices is the small table and the mobile phone on it. Wasn't Dazai used to take it everywhere with him?
Odasaku is about to leave the room when, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small note under the small lamp next to the phone. Normally he wouldn't even dare to look at it, but a shiver on his back makes him think of how much that resemble a suicide note out of a dramatic novel.
He takes it, looks at it; the message is very short.
Odasaku, there are a lot of things to say and most of them can't be said. Thank you.
Somewhere else, not that far from the Port Mafia base, a small girl and a seventeen years old Dazai are one in front of the other, in an empty valley.